Something on the Burner

Don't Be a Menace to Norwood While Drinking Apple Schnapps in Your 'Hood

2010-02-16T13:03:00.007-05:00

It’s officially the suckiest heights of winter in Cincinnati. We have somewhere between 9 and infinity inches of snow on the ground. It’s not unbearably cold, but it’s a little windy and staying around the 20s. I’m sick of wearing heavy rubber boots every day that only middle aged women have complemented. I’m getting tired of running from one door to the next. Not that I’ve ever been a terribly outdoorsy person, but I’d give just about anything to have one day to sit by the fountain and watch people and their dogs walk by. Or have a drink in the park and feel the sun on my skin. I’d take just sitting on the stoop of the coffee shop downstairs. I miss our Saturday afternoon walks around the neighborhood. I had a dream just last night that I had a bike but couldn’t ride it. Days can get a little boring now. Even though I’m at work 40 hours a week, there’s always a few hours out of the week where I’m at home and wish there was something else to do. When there’s nothing on tv, I’ve reached every corner I care to see on Facebook, I’m not in the mood for dishes or hanging laundry, and whatever the last meal I had was is still digesting and I’m not hungry. Though I can pass a surprising amount of time staring all googley-eyed at my boyfriend and telling him in multiple ways how much I love him and marveling and his hands or eyes or whatever body part, I suspect that gets annoying sometimes.

The work I do often requires very little thought. It lends itself very well to listening to podcasts and various radio shows because I can pay more attention to what my headphones are saying than I need to pay to my work most of the time. Radio shows also do a pretty decent job of drowning out the chatter from the cubicles around me. I’ve got pregnancy and kids talk flying over one side of the cubicle wall (for god’s sake, please don’t name your baby Aiden) and angry typing and a grating Midwestern accent coming from behind me. For the last few months I’ve been listening to old episodes of This American Life. I’ve listened to years and years worth of stories. Most of the time they give me some spark of inspiration. Some new idea I hadn’t had before. Some insight into the human condition or something. In the first part of most episodes there’s usually a quick 5 or so minute introductory story. Fluff, sometimes. I’ve had tons of ideas for my own little fluff stories, but I don’t really have the equipment or (mostly) the ambition to narrate and edit my own collection of short radio stories. Also, I would assume that if they didn’t air one of my stories at some point, I would take it as a personal rejection from Ira Glass himself and probably never be the same.

This short story is the first in what I hope to be a series of stories inspired by those I’ve heard on TAL. Stories I can write while the snow piles up on the sidewalks or perhaps when the radio shows run dry. This on is a true account, but perhaps there is fiction in my future.

I was 19 or 20 and working in a hotel pizzeria with other kids around my age and my future ex-sister-in-law who was also my roommate at the time. We decided that night to come back to our place and drink some beers and play cards or Scategories or give out blow jobs or something. It was me, my future ex-sister-in-law, and 2 of our high school senior co-workers (both male). They were simultaneously dating the 16 year old who worked with us and ended up never speaking to each other again by the end of that summer, although they had been best friends from childhood. That 16 year old is now in her twenties with 2 children and several abortions under her belt. Her boyfriend is in jail and more than 10 years her senior. Neither of the babies belonged to those boys, although one of the abortions did. Dodged a bullet there I suppose.

My future ex husband was living in this apartment at the same time, but details are hazy as to why he wasn’t there that night. I think he may have been at a Phish concert on the other side of the country or some other place I wouldn’t be caught dead in. The night was uneventful. We drank some beers, had some laughs, and stayed up very late. In college fashion (which none of us happened to have much experience with) we stacked each beer we drank into a rather unimpressive beer can tower on the dining room table in the middle of our large apartment. I took my dog to bed while my roomie took one of those other dogs to bed. She had to work very early that morning at her other job and agreed to drive the two boys home while I was asleep.

I hadn’t been asleep long when around 11am I was startled out of bed. I could see flashing lights coming through my blinds and I looked out of the window. There was a piercing noise I didn’t know the origin of nor care to seek out. Across the street, a couple of houses down, a fire truck was sitting in the road with its lights on. I wasn’t particularly alarmed. It was a pretty common occurrence to see fire trucks and ambulances on our street. Probably once a month one of each came to a neighbor’s house down the street where we assumed an elderly person lived. Once I came home to find our drunken hillbilly neighbor had fallen down the stairs of our foyer and exploded the finial of the handrail with his head. Apparently he had been rushing out of the apartment to get more beer before beer sales stopped at 1:30. The kids wandering around the front porch in their pajamas didn’t seem too shocked and the paramedics let us squeeze by to our door.

In a hungover stupor, a few minutes later, I could make out loud male voices yelling in the common hallway of our building. Then I heard the familiar click of my front door and heavy feet. My dog perked up. I was confused. I heard someone asking if anyone was home, and now realized that there was a very loud beeping coming from my dining room. My bedroom door opened a couple of inches and I heard a man call to me, that he needed me to come out. I was mortified, pretty sure that he had seen me sprawled out and pantless on my bed. I found some pants on my floor and scooped up my dog. In my apartment were no less than 5 firefighters in full gear. Stomping around my dining room. If you haven’t seen me before, let me tell you I’m very small and look younger than my age. There I stood, bleary eyed at 11am completely alone (and 19), and trying not to notice the beer tower, empty cups, and liquor bottles on the dining room table. My neighbor from across the hall, a sweet middle aged woman who did some sort of new age healing touch out of her apartment, peeked her head in. She explained that she’d been knocking on the door for an hour and had called our home phone and no one answered and she was worried. My carbon monoxide detector had been going. That stupid thing that my mom made me plug in, beeping for the last couple of hours while I was, quite literally, passed out. The firefighters stomped around a little longer and did not find anything (other than the obvious) amiss and suggested that I change my battery.

Band Name From Captcha

2009-11-19T08:42:00.002-05:00

Or maybe a good happy hour where volcano themed drinks and apps are 1/2 off?

A Conversation Regarding Decency

2009-10-19T10:49:00.002-04:00

Rex: Whenever I hear TLC's 'Creep' all I can think about is Chili's underboob in silky pjs. Does that make me a lesbian? Is that insensitive to the memory of Lisa "Left-Eye" Lopez? So many questions.

CoCo: Oh man, I remember that underboob.

Rex: It gave me confusing feelings!

CoCo: It was quite a formative image to see at that young age.

Rex: I think that underboob sent me into a tailspin of failed relationships that ultimately lead to my divorce and I'm just now coming to terms with it.

Coco: EFFING CHILI!!!
Coco: Ruining your life.
Coco: Gaw whaddabitch.

Rex: It's hard to overcome your inner shame after seeing things like that in childhood.
Rex: It was really careless of her.

General Unfocused Blog Updatery

2009-09-15T12:14:00.008-04:00

Oh man, so much has happened since I last visited my poor neglected blog. I’m back at this 9-5 desk job scenario and I’m trying hard to keep a positive attitude, but I’m sort of missing waiting tables.

The highlights of this cube farm:

Wednesday afternoon snacks provided by a different member of my department, kindergarden-style.

Sometimes people bring in free donuts. It’s true that a donut tastes amazing when it’s free, even if all of the icing slid off into the box and the raspberry jelly filling is reminiscent of blended jell-o.

This building was built in the 50’s I’d guess and the bathrooms have never been remodeled. There is an ashtray built into the toilet paper dispenser in every stall. I can’t stop thinking about how much I want to take up smoking so I can try this at home. (Smoking indoors is illegal in Ohio, y'all. Freedom ain’t free. Or whatever.)

It will be a cold day in hell when I miss a single Facebook update or Twitter. Down time has me combing the internet for any kind of entertainment I can find.

I’ve become the honorary Johnny Cash of the office. It’s so cold in here that I wear my black winter coat every day with black jeans (because they’re cooler than normal ones) and boots. At least I look cool in fingerless gloves. I bet everyone thinks I'm mysterious, guys. I’m championing logo Snuggies for our Christmas gift this year!

My boss put a birdfeeder outside the window we both face. The birds get into crazy battles for the food. There is a splash of blood from one of the incidents on the window. Someone put up a post-it right underneath it that says "Thunderdome!"

I also I have pretty insane desktop background that was actually sent to us by a client as a legit email stationary.

So I’m focusing on these positives. I mean, how am I supposed to keep a smile on my face after such epic bummers of the loss of so many icons this year? Michael Jackson? BILLY MAYS? PATRICK SWAYZE!?!? All I can really do is continue my quest to pickle my liver and mourn the end of my bitchin’ summer.

I guess I was mostly too poor to really take advantage of doing real stuff this summer. I did get to know the cheapest brands of vodka available: Crown Russe (hailing from Frankfort, KY! lulz), Takka, and Aristocrat if you were wondering. (Oh how I longed for the days before I maxed out my credit life and could afford blueberry vodka and lemonade! Even Popov!) I spent a lot of time crusin’ around, listening to Passion Pit (so much I can’t even explain to you), staying up late internetting and watching Arrested Development or Northern Exposure on DVD. You know. Mainly keeping it overall real.

I did complete a couple major life events: divorced and moved several times (from ex husband’s to Mom and Dad’s, to Fire Eagle’s, to my final resting spot with my bf). I’m actually kind of surprised I didn’t have a total meltdown, but I didn’t even really come close. Holding it together well for ruinin’ 8 years of a perfectly decent life. We’re thinking about maybe getting a dog, but I didn’t get married or have a baby. Hey, you know, year’s not up yet! I can collect them all!

I turned 26 on the beach this summer.

I impressed my boyfriend hardcore by losing my shoes in a late night drunken ocean swimming adventure and finding them 2 days later on the beach, climbing fences to hot tubs like I should have but never would have done in high school because I was such a prude, catching a soft little brown frog for funsies and letting him go...

and one of my life’s greatest achievements: with about 10 seconds of trying I renegaded a beer.

photo cred:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/chrismallo/3370051895/

For those of you unfamiliar with this practice, it's when someone truly incredible tips a can of beer, finds the soft spot, jams their thumb into it, tips the can up, pops the top and shotguns the beer. (Although I'll admit I'm not a beer drinker and I just did it on principle and passed it to one of the 4 guys who were trying and failing. We had a fridge full of beer with little thumbnail dents all along the bottom that night.)

On a final note, some cool people I know contriubute to this cool blog that they’re starting up called Overlooked Cincinnati. You should add it to your RSS because there’s more cool stuff comin’, and submit some overlooked stuff of your own.

Fun Summer Stuff

2009-05-28T17:03:00.006-04:00

I know it's been a long time since I've updated. I have good reason though! The Mr. and I split up (no hard feelings, it's cool it's cool) and my life got a little turned upside down. I'm living with Fire Eagle now in a cool apartment in a cool part of the city, waiting tables, and spending a lot of time smoking hookah, drinking, walking around town, and generally loafing. It's pretty great so far! (I'll get a real job soon, guys)

Keepin' this blog light and summery and all of that, for now, here are 3 things that I am currently loving that I want to share with you.

(1) Jorts™ (cut-off jean shorts for the layperson) The key is to find the right width. Go shopping for jeans that are snug on the legs so they don't look too flowy when you do the cutting deed. Don't go shopping for shorts. They're always going to be too high school, too short, too dumb. That's not what the hipster kids want to see. When you get your snug cool jeans home, put them on and cut a little slit where you want them to be. A few inches above the knee is legit for girls and guys, but start long. You can always take a little off, but once they're cut they're cut! Take them off and cut a straight line very carefully. Fold them in half and cut in the same place on the other leg. Put them on, boom, instant shorts. All the comfort of jeans with room to breathe and you can ride your bike, unlike in a dress or skirt. Also, throw them in the washer and dryer and trim them up a little when they come out. No one looks cool in freshly cut jorts.

Tip! Dudes: buy girl jeans. Even if you make your girlfriend go to the register and act like they're hers.

(2) We made up this drink last night, out of desperation, and it turned out so good! Here's what you need.

A bottle of super cheap vodka. I prefer Popov.

Soda water

A lemon

Sugar

A microwave

Mix water and sugar up in a cup, 2 parts sugar to 1 part water. Microwave it and mix it up. (to dissolve the sugar) Boom, simple syrup. Ideally you'll do this before you're desperate because hot sugar melts your ice, duh.

Fill a cup with ice. Pour in vodka. As much as you can handle. I do about a 1/3 vodka, but that might be a little much for you amateurs. Add soda water to fill it the rest of the way, add some of that sugar syrup that you made earlier, and squeeze in some lemon. It's so tasty and light and low-cal! (as long as you go light on that sugar, boss) Better than diet tonic any day.

(3) Rock 'n Roll Tank Tops, as I call them are all the rage in the Me circle right now. My friends band THE LIONS RAMPANT *plug* gave me this awesome t-shirt but only had a men's medium left in black. I really wanted to wear it but it was way too big on me.

I started out by cutting off the bottom so it was just below my waist. You know, normal length. I wore it out once like that and my friend Josh said it was a little Seattle circa 1993, and I have to agree.

So I (probably didn't) invented the Rock 'N Roll tank top, which I have since used on another shirt and it turned out even better. (My camp shirt from 6th grade! Who keeps that crap? Me!)

So here's how you do this.

Cut the bottom off to where it's comfortable for you. I'm not interested in a belly shirt but if you are, go for it. Don't worry about hemming the bottom because this is rock 'n roll.

Use a seam ripper to rip off the sleeves and collar. Looks cooler this way. Just do it.

Turn the shirt inside out and lay it down flat. Get another tank top that fits you pretty well and lay it on top of the shirt, centered. Use it as a guide for how wide you want your tank top to be.

Use straight pins to pin up each side where you want to bring the fabric in so it's the same size as the tank top that already fits you. Cut off the excess fabric close to the pins.

Use a whipstitch to close up each side of the tank top. Be careful not to sew up the arm holes and make sure it's about even on both sides.

There you have it, one sweet tank top. Should look about this awesome when you're done:

Hope you're enjoying your summer as much as I am so far, y'all.

When Will it End?

2009-03-18T21:28:00.003-04:00

Lately, my friends and I have been talking a lot about how great our lives are, and it's true. Most of the people I spend time with are hilarious, kind, creative types who love to drink and dance and see live music. This is what keeps us connected. Most of my friends are not in serious long-term relationships, and most of the ones that are sort of drifted away into domestication while I continued to party in spite of my marital status. We don't have any kids or any dreams of having kids anytime soon. My husband and I love living our lives for ourselves (and each other) right now and just can't imagine what life would be like if we couldn't come and go as we pleased.

A friend of mine sent me a link to a blog today, simply saying "look at this prettiest prego lady ever". We went on and on about how beautiful this girl is and we glanced through the entries, looking at pictures from the blog. This blog is about one man, gorgeous preggo lady's husband, and the birth of his first biological child. I decided to go back to the first entry and read it from the beginning, as I often do with blogs that interest me. I just read this post which I felt summed up things for me right now quite well and I think my friends can appreciate.

Pacing the Panic Room

How to Stay Classy and Fashionable - in This Economy!

2009-03-16T14:09:00.007-04:00

These are real life things, generally fueled by liquor, that my faceless friends and I have been rocking that were both free and fashionable. I'm callin' them Recessiories.

In the way of hats, we've got

The leftover from New Year's Eve top hat. Pictured here in cheapass plastic red.

Glued some bobby pins to the bottom of this tiny bowler, straight off the bottle of fancy gin.

The Chambord Cage Hat is really not recommended to be worn outside the kitchen. It's a little cumbersome and clumsy for partying, I'll admit.

As far as jewelry goes, there's:

While watching a Frank Zappa dvd with my buddy a while ago, I was inspired to make some wearable pasta jewelery. I think that's probably in the top 10 best sentences of this blog, so I won't elaborate. Anyway, I spray painted this pasta wheel for FE and the T-Rex for myself, strung 'em on a little black thread, took it to the dancefloor.

The Chambord Cage Hat was dismantled and turned into, first, this nose ring.

Then into a bracelet. Unfortunately, the effect of alcoholic milkshakes (yeah, I'll give you some recipes later, delicious) made us forget to document the bracelet. I grabbed this from a video of me drunkenly singing the hit N'Sync single "Bye, Bye, Bye". That kinda night. I also lost this on the dance floor at some point.

Headbandswise:

Onea those Jager girls gave my friend here a lanyard which he promptly tied on his head and started chanting "Rufio! Rufio!" But it's actually sort of adorable, right?

My ladyfriend, pictured here in a drunk sandwich, had a rooftop grill out featuring pipe cleaner headbands with feathers. One of these girls wore the pipe cleaner headband all night at the bar...and for once, it wasn't me. (I thought it was kind of competing with the awesomeness of my Michael Jackson belt buckle, but I digress)

And finally, we've come to my favorite item, the Chambelt™. This is what became of the Chambord cage after being cut apart. I put it on as a joke and ended up walking to the bar with it and wearing it all night, even receiving complements. It has that bonus heavyweight champion vibe, which I really enjoy, while also being classy at a glance but still overall liquor-related.

Just a Couple New Band Name Ideas For You

2009-03-15T12:51:00.001-04:00

Mardi Gras in Buffalo

Overnight Bunions

By Request: Diet Tips from RB

2009-03-02T18:25:00.020-05:00

Here’s how I’ve been living my life through the end of winter. Funds are getting kind of depleted from a long winter of slow house sales, and things are just now starting to pick up again with the warmth of spring around the corner. I know lots of people are going through some times…I’m no economist, but I know apocalyptic news stories when I see ‘em!

Here are my tried and true methods of surviving the tough times!

First off, don’t pass up any free professional events. I signed up for a professional seminar that was being held by my broker. I had to get up at 8am, which is a total bummer, but there was free pizza and soda for lunch. They got 40 pizzas for about 50 people, so I didn’t feel bad at all when I gorged myself. Somebody had to eat it, right? And stuff like this happens pretty frequently in real estate. Awards banquets, weekly meetings, open houses, they all have at least free coffee but often times all kinds of awesome free food and drink. If you go to one of those super classy open houses in a downtown loft or something they often even have free booze. The only problem with these events, which is why I don’t subscribe to this plan as much as I should, is that you have to actually socialize with co-workers and other agents. Being 25 in the real estate field, that’s about as fun as a Friday afternoon at Bob Evan’s. I think the same goes for most social events like art openings, usually free food and booze but often times the crowd leaves much to be desired. You gotta weigh the good with the bad though!

I find it most economical and novel to eat foods that are either meant as side dishes and/or childhood foods. Stuff like macaroni, tater tots, pizza rolls, and cereal are relatively cheap (so long as you’re buyin’ generic) and remind you of childhood and college in ways that make you all warm and fuzzy inside. Side dishes like rice and mashed potatoes are filling and cheap and provide as much calories as a meal if you eat the whole package. Mashed potatoes can also be more delicious with the addition of cheese and bacon if you happen to come into a windfall. Ramen noodles also get extra tasty if you take the packet it comes with, throw it in the garbage, and add parmesan, garlic, and Italian seasoning. Ayerwelcome. Childhood foods like fruit roll-ups, fruit snacks, cheese and/or peanut butter crackers, often come in small packages which is cool if you commit yourself to only eating one. Completely fun to eat if you’re easily amused, like myself. It all costs less than going to Skyline with everyone else for after-bar food.

I'll just put this one out there; stop smoking so much weed, hippie.

Crackers and water: not just for anorexics anymore. Eating a sleeve of crackers provides that convenient “I ate the whole thing” shame, only about 450 calories (depending on the type) and drinking water with them makes them swell up in your stomach. It’s pretty much perfect. I do it all the time! I’m doing it RIGHT NOW!

Get really involved in some sort of emotional turmoil to the point where you’re just sick over it and can’t eat. Whether it’s a new relationship, a big argument, getting fired, losing a loved one. Whatever it is, wallow and obsess! The pounds shall melt away! This works particularly well after a shame-filled Saturday night.

Stop being such an ungrateful dick and visit your family once in a while. I don’t know about you, but my mom practically force feeds me. The bigger your family is, the more opportunity there is for free food. You’re totally lucky if your parents divorced, in this case.

Acquire an insatiable roommate/boyfriend/girlfriend/couch surfer and never EVER write your name on anything, including leftovers. They will eat your food, which will keep you looking slim, and you might be able to convince them to replace it for something more expensive and delicious, like money in your pocket!

Abstain from working out, playing sports, or anything manual labor-wise. It just burns calories, which means you have to eat again. Don’t be a fool, dude.

If your friends ever ask you to volunteer to do something, do it. Usually they feel guilty enough for making you do something without pay that they will pay you in food and booze. This has worked for me in the way of being designated driver, helping someone shoot a music video (seriously, pizza and beer for dancing in front of a camera? I would have ASKED you to do that.), and theoretically I could have had some pizza and beer for helping friends move but I’m useless when it comes to lifting things. Also, that enters the arena of manual labor.

Lately there have been tons of coupons floating around the internet. I've ended up eating at T.G.I. Friday's and Ruby Tuesday's as a result. There's no shame in buy one get one free.

If you aren’t getting any thinner, start spending your money on other stuff like clothes. That’ll force you to figure this out.

I would add 'take up smoking', but depending on where you live and how fast you take to it, you could probably end up spending more on smokes than on food.

Lastly, THE most important rule to remember, if you forget all of the rest: If you are hungry, drink. I’m not talking about 8 glasses of water. I’m talking about, have a good friend lift you up for a boxed wine stand. Murder a bottle of Andre Champagne, the only ‘champagne’ too classy not to drink straight from the bottle (only $5.99 here!). Or the obvious choice, buy a 12 pack of PBR. It provides the calories and fills you up, and sometimes if you’re lucky there’s bonus vomiting at the end!

*This diet is in no way healthy, and you might die.

2009-03-01T03:17:00.002-05:00

Tonight I went to a bar I'm constantly going to (tonight makes 3 nights in a row, if that's any indication) and by accident saw this guy Levi Weaver play. I really really enjoyed what I saw of his set and meant it when I said I wish I had cash to buy a cd. He had a credit card machine but OBVIOUSLY that credit card was busy being an open tab at the bar. I looked him up on the internets and came across this adorable video that I wanted to share with you.

Happy Valentine's Day

2009-02-14T12:29:00.004-05:00

Today I made some vaguely heart-shaped pancakes, a heart shaped egg, and heart shaped biscuits for the mr. for breakfast. We may be cheap, but that doesn't mean a heart shaped biscuit doesn't bring us a little joy!

Epicly Later'd

2009-02-09T18:44:00.003-05:00

So this girl I know, Stacey, who doesn't have a cool blog nickname, told me about this site, epicalylaterd.com. It's basically this guy, Patrick, posting pictures of what he does with his days. A lot of it is traveling around with skating buddies and going to bars. I don't know anything about skateboarding or these people, but I'm really intrigued by it. Come to think of it, I don't think Stacey does either. Maybe we just have a soft spot in our heart for crazy dirty skater boys and their daily adventures? Maybe the voyeurism in our hearts doesn't discriminate? I guess it's also kind of interesting that he is from Ohio and lives in NYC, as I am also from Ohio and just have a lot of love for NYC. I started with entry 1 in 2004 and am working my way through every entry through the most recent one. (I'm midway through 2005 right now, if you were wondering) Today I came across this video of Kevin 'Spanky' Long talking about his New Year's Resolution from a few years ago. It was "To give up all things boring". I bet that would be awesome...and a lot harder than it sounds. But seriously, that's my kind of dude.

Tween Fanfic: Sort of Embarssing, Also Hilarious

2009-02-04T17:03:00.003-05:00

Probably about a year ago, I was introduced to a hilarious piece of writing on McSweeny's that I had never seen before. It's written as a piece of Ashton Kutcher fan fiction in the voice of a 13 year old girl, (but actually written by Teddy Wayne) and it puts me in stitches every time I read it. If you haven't read it, do so here.

Today, while idly chatting with a friend she suggested that I write my own. I'm not ashamed to admit that I wrote an endless amount of crappy poetry, short stories, and diary entries from age 11 on and this is inspired by all of those things, along with Teddy's hilarious writing. I hope you enjoy...now, 4 hours later, I give you:

I Know That It's True

Not much happens in Springdale, Ohio. It’s pretty close to downtown Cincinnati, but not really close enough that your parents would drive you down there more than like 2 times a year for a Reds game or Oktoberfest something. Sometimes they might go to the zoo as well. The Cincinnati Zoo is actually one of the best in the nation.

Jade Darling spent most of her 12 years on the planet in Springdale and for a long time she had really liked Lance Bass of the popular boy band N*SYNC. He had a long face, without being horselike, with bright green eyes and spikey blonde hair with frosted tips. None of the guys at PJHS (Princeton Junior High School) could ever compare to him. Even though she had had a few boyfriends before, they turned out to be losers. One of them wouldn’t even meet her at her locker after class so she dumped him, even though a lot of people said that he dumped her in homeroom.

Jade always ate lunch at the cool table. Her best friend Theresa sat next to her and the other popular girls like Lindsay, Ali, the two Jessicas, and Jenny, sat around them. One day at lunch, Jade turned to Theresa and said:

“Wouldn’t it be phat if I actually got to meet Lance?” she asked.

“How would that ever happen, girl?” Theresa inquired, pulling at the scrunchie she always wore on her right wrist. (She was left-handed)

“The concert is coming up on Saturday”, Jade fired back. “I bet I could wait around by the tour bus to meet him. We would get along really well. I heard that he is into space too! Also, my family is from Hattiesburg, Mississippi and he is from Laurel. We have a lot in common actually.”

“I don’t know, Jade. Famous guys get to meet a lot of girls.” she doubted. “I don’t want to see you get hurt like you were with never getting a letter back from Jordan Catalano.”

It really stung Jade that her BFF would say that. A year ago to the day, Jade had written Jared Leto a letter. He played Jordan Catalano in the hit television series “My So-Called Life” which only lasted for one season, unfortunately. Since MSCL had gone off the air it was hard to find a fan mail address. He had never written her back, even though Jade spent a lot of time on the letter and it was a full 2 pages typed double spaced in 10 point font.

The rest of Jade’s school day was pretty boring. She was happy that it was Friday night because her and Theresa could go to the mall and get new outfits at Contempo Casuals for Saturday’s concert. When she got off the bus her mom was waiting for her by the door.

“Jade, this came in the mail for you this afternoon.” she said sing-songingly. “It looks pretty important because it is in a big envelope and says DO NOT BEND”.

She was right. The vanilla envelope had big red letters stamped on it and it was sent from L.A., California. Jade took it straight up to her room without even eating her snack of Milano cookies and Sparkling Cider that she usually ate after school.

END PART 1
TO BE CONTINUED…

Jade opened that little metal thing on the top very slow and deliberately. She pulled out the 8x10 glossy photo of Jared Leto in a very hot pose. Written on the photo was:

Jade,
I am sorry that it took me so long to write you back. I have been working on a movie with Josh Jackson called Urban Legend. You are a very pretty girl judging from the 5x7 school photo that you sent and your boyfriend Reggie is very lucky to have you.

Love,
Jared Leto

Jade felt confused. On one hand, she was totally siked that Jared had finally written her back! She knew that he wasn’t just ignoring her because he was working on a really big movie that would turn out to be one of Jade’s faves. But Jared had mentioned her ex, Reggie in the letter. Jade had recalled with scorn that she had written about him in her letter to Jared because they were going together at the time. What a dumb idea that was! She hoped that one day she would be able to meet Jared and explain the situation. Jade told Theresa about her problems at the mall that night and Theresa made her feel alot better.

Jade’s mom told the girls she would pick them up that night from the mall at 9, when it closed. Jade’s beeper kept going off at 7, but the music was so loud in Contempo that she didn’t notice that her mom had paged her until she saw her standing by the huge glass doors with her face all red. “Where have you guys been!?” she yelled to them. “We were trying on clothes Mom,” Jade replied embarrassedly. “You were supposed to meet me here at 7!” she said, obviously confused that she had told Jade 9 earlier. “You are grounded from seeing N*SYNC tomorrow!” she shouted so everyone at the Cinnabon could hear.

That night Jade spent like 15 minutes trying to get in the Cincinnati 1 AOL chatroom where all of her friends were and spent hours talking to her friends and asking them for advice for how to get to the concert. No one had any good ideas and when she finally laid down on her bed it came to her. She would tell her mom she was going to the library to study!

The next night Jade told her mom that she had a big test in chemistry coming up on Monday and Theresa’s mom was going to pick her up to take her to the library. Her mom didn’t think twice about letter her go to the library! It was even warm enough on Saturday for Jade to wear her favorite spring dress to the concert. It was a halter which Jade was just recently aloud to start wearing. She wore a jacket, though, so she could hide the N*SYNC temporary tattoos she had strategically placed on her shoulder blades and she left the coat in Theresa’s mom’s car.

When they arrived at the First Star Arena, the guy taking their tickets was a lot younger then they expected, but still older at 16.

“You girls are probably the cutest ones I have seen since I have been working here this year. Those temporary tattoos are pretty pimp, and I like your dresses.” He flirted.

The girls tossed their hair confidently as they spoke to Jake, the ticket taking guy. Theresa’s mom had let them use her hot rollers and they both had perfect long curls that looked natural and weren’t all crunchy from too much hair spray. “We think you are cute too,” Jade said convincingly, even though he was just okay.

“I have some extra back stage passes,” Jake whispered. “I was going to give them to my sister but I want you to have them and have a good time. This security guy will escort you back.”

END PART 2
TO BE CONTINUED…

The jock security man in the yellow shirt that said “STAFF” and black cargo shorts took them to a very secluded area of the arena, down to the stage.

“Okay young ladies,” he barked “you can’t go past the wings. Do not go into the door over there either. Just stay here or you will be in big trouble.”

Jade and Theresa nodded their heads. They did not want to get in trouble for snooping and were amped that they would get to watch the whole show from the wings! Jade knew what wings were from her experience with drama club and explained to Theresa that it meant the sides of the stage where the curtains are and stuff.

After a while Jade wanted to be a rebel and go into the door with the star on it that said N*SYNC on it. Theresa was worried that they would get in trouble, but Jade was always getting away with doing things like that such as cutting school and skipping showers after gym.

They opened the door to the room and there were 5 mirrors with lightbulbs around them. Jade noticed a jean jacket with Lance’s name Bedazzled on the back and lifted it up to see it.

“OMG this is Lance’s stage jacket!” she whispered quietly to Theresa, who was looking at Justin’s bandana collection.

Theresa seemed to be in a daze. “Justin is so cute, rite?” she sighed, not even paying attention that all 5 of the band members were walking into the door.
They were both quiet and didn’t know what to say because they knew they were busted. Lance had a Bud Light beer in his hand and took the last drink and asked:

“What are you girls doing in our dressing room?”

Jade thought fast. “Oh, we were on our way to the ladies’ room and got lost. We were just using your mirrors to touch up our makeup. Our bads.”

“Well, since you guys are in here,” Justin bellowed “why don’t you play spin the bottle with us?” He took the bottle out of Lance’s hand.

“Well, we were going to play at a party tonight but I guess we can play now,” said Theresa to the curly-haired lead vocalist.

They all sat down in a circle on the dressing room floor. Jade started to regret her decision of not wearing the jacket she had left in Theresa’s mom’s car and it showed. Lance noticed her shiver and said “Do you want to wear my jacket?”, sweetly. Jade nodded her head nervously as he placed the very expensive denim jacket with rhinestone letters over her shoulders.

Justin took the first spin and it landed on Theresa. Theresa said “Hey guys, I still have to go to the bathroom first, can you show me where it is?” They showed her where it was and Jade followed her in because she could tell that Theresa was trippin.

“Theresa, why don’t you kiss Justin? He is really cute and seems pretty cool. I usually skip over his parts in interviews but from what I’ve read he’s really nice and he’s single.” Jade reassured Theresa. She looked right into her eyes when she said, “This is your chance to show all of the 8th graders that you’re not a freezer.”

“You’re right,” Theresa realized. “Let’s go back to the game!”

When they returned to the circle the boys were sitting there waiting. Theresa kissed Justin and they started holding hands. Then it was Lance’s turn to spin. The bottle landed on Jade! Lance brushed Jade’s hair aside and kissed her softly on the lips. As soon as they were done making out, a guy opened the door to the dressing room and said “Hey, you guys have to get on stage!” Jade began to slip Lance’s jean jacket off of her tanned shoulders and he said “No, you can keep it. I get hot on stage anyway.”

Theresa and Jade stood in the wings on stage right for the whole show and watched their new boyfriends perform. The very last song that they played was “(God Must Have Spent) A Little More Time on You”. During the line “And you changed my world with just one kiss” Jade could feel herself tearing up because she was so happy. At that moment, Lance brought her on stage and told her in front of everyone that he loved her! Jade could see Reggie in the nosebleeds with his new girlfriend and they both looked really jealous.

After the show, the guys changed into their normal clothes while Theresa and Jade waited in another dressing room. They seemed to be taking a really long time and they started getting worried that they were going to be ditched. Soon Lance and Justin came in. Lance looked very sexy in a pair of slightly oversized light blue overalls with a hole in the left knee that was there on purpose and a tight white t-shirt underneath. Justin wore a shell necklace with a short stop tee and jeans that fit him very well and they both looked really casual but still hot. Right behind them, in walked Jade and Theresa’s moms. Jade’s heart sank. She knew that her mom was going to be really pissed that she didn’t go to the library because she was grounded. Theresa’s mom came to pick them up and the guys had called Jade’s mom to come to the arena too so they could talk in person. Lance could see the panic on Jade’s face and put his arm around her and squeezed her shoulder caringly.

Theresa’s mom started “Jade, Theresa, Mrs. Darling and I have been talking to your boyfriends after their concert and have come to a decision.” Jade thought that her mom was probably going to send her to boarding school after all of the rebelling she had done.
Jade’s mom said, “I can see how much you love Lance so you are not in trouble for lying to me this time. We are going to let you get homeschooled by a tutor on their tour bus for the rest of their international tour. You guys have to get good grades, though, and you still have a curfew of 11pm. We’re going to call once a week to check on you and you better be behaving!” The two girls were stoked and hugged their moms, even though they didn’t do it very much. Their moms knew that this tour was going to be the bomb for both of them and it was really cool that they were aloud to go. Then they embraced their boyfriends who were both beaming. It was going to kind of suck to be away from their friends the school year plus summer, but they knew they were growing up and had to spread their wings and fly.

THE END

I Think It's a Good Omen

2009-01-29T14:27:00.001-05:00

At least I hope it is!

Another set of egg twins!

An Open Letter to Rachel Ray

2009-01-29T11:42:00.006-05:00

Dear Rachel Ray,

I was at Bed, Bath, and Beyond yesterday and I noticed that you've created your own line of garbage bowls which are selling for $15. I'm not sure why anyone would buy a bowl specifically to put garbage in, especially for $15. It seems like the kind of thing best reserved for an old mixing bowl or something from the dollar store, don't you think? The bigger question, though, is...was there a reason you thought it should look like the inside of my toilet on new year's eve?

Yours,

Rex

And In Case You Think Winter is as Lame as I do

2009-01-27T17:02:00.008-05:00

About 4 years ago, I’d say I had a minor nervous breakdown. I was graduating from college and I didn’t know where I wanted to go or who I wanted to be at all. I was passionate about design, but I didn’t see how it was going to fit into my future. I was pretty freaked out about never setting foot in a classroom again. I no longer had the stability of knowing that 5 days a week I’d be taking notes, reading books, asking questions, and hearing lectures. It was cold and snow dusted the parking lot as I left on my last day, and even though I thought the glisten of the snow at dusk was actually really lovely, I truthfully find winter to be quite the bummer. I think it might be the worst around the coming end of February, when the end is so close but spring just won’t quite come fast enough. There’s usually at least one day where I end up wearing a dress and sandals in 60 degrees because I’m so desperate for some warm weather.

My professor, who taught no less than 3 of my classes at the small college I attended and was one of the most caring and attentive people I knew, gave me a ton of good advice when I left. What has stuck with me was his suggestion to appreciate the beauty of small things and to find good in everything, even when it all seems to be going wrong. I try every day to consciously appreciate something that is happening to me or around me to keep myself content through the boring winter days. I hardly have a problem doing that any other time of year, but right now it’s definitely the time of year to be making that conscious effort. In that spirit, here’s a list of some my little joys from this winter.

There are two places in my house where the sun shines directly into my windows during the day. One spot is in the kitchen, the other in the upstairs hallway between the bedrooms and bathroom. Pretty much every day at least one of my 3 dogs seeks it out and sits or sleeps contently in the warmth. It’s one of many precious things they do.

When I was out of town 2 weekends ago, the mr. took out our incredibly stupid shower door and replaced it with a shower curtain rod. You’d be surprised how much happier that little change makes every trip to the bathroom.

I was at one of my listings checking on it after a windstorm this fall (ok, so I cheated a little because it wasn't this winter) and I came across what looked like a horrific Barbie crime scene and it made me laugh out loud. Maybe that's twisted?

Clean bed sheets. They might be annoying to wash and have to put back on, but the payoff is always worth it.

They're not very good for you, but you cannot be bummed out while eating smiley fries.

Caffeine. Very little in the world makes me feel better than a can of sugar-free Rockstar in the morning.

Convincing friends to drink things out of ridiculous glassware. I.e. whiskey in a wine glass.

I hadn’t had a fruit roll-up since I was probably…I don’t know…11, until I had one last week. It’s so strange and comforting the way it makes me feel 6 years old again to eat one.

A friend of mine works at the tea house right around the corner. I’m not really a tea person at all, but on rare occasion a caramel apple tea cider is an awesome treat.

Listening to one of my favorite songs over and over again always makes me a little happier. I got stuck on The Killer's cover of "Romeo and Juliet" (originally a Dire Straits song) for a while this winter.

I'm fortunate to live near both the giant Jesus and this ridiculous car dealership and it always amuses me to drive by either one.

Another Snow Day

2009-01-27T14:03:00.006-05:00

Where I live, every time it snows the entire tri-state area is talking about it non-stop. The news is basically covering every flake live on the mean streets of the suburbs. Everyone is talking about how it snowed more or less than they expected, the incompetency of weathermen, the probability of further snow days or early dismissal, and a heck of a lot of people are talking about how amazed they are that it's 'just snow' and where they come from people drive in a lot worse conditions a lot more often. I guess because we're in a small group of people that usually only get one or two big snows a year we have a special freak-out niche.

I now present to you, the top 12 things to do on a snow day:

12. Spend a ton of money that you don't have online. Might I suggest checking out Modcloth or 80s Purple?

11. Do something crafty, like knit a scarf for the next snow day. Extra hipster points for you, too.

10. Get yourself over to an empty parking lot and slide around in your car for a while. This activity is better with a bunch of friends. Particularly if one of those friends is attached to a rope and standing on a sled behind the car.

9. Search your house for whatever liquor is available. You'll probably end up with glasses of grape schnapps and kool-aid or something, but, hey, drinking is drinking. Make a game out of the news casts. Every time they go live to someplace where absolutely nothing is happening, take a drink. Every time they cut back to the weatherman, take a drink. Make up your own rules...whatever happens it's going to be pretty easy to get drunk.

8. Go sledding with a bunch of your friends in your bathing suits. It will be more hilarious for everyone involved and you won't feel like such a jerk when you're ready to go inside after 1 or 2 trips down the hill.

7. Grab a gigantic pillow, take it on a trip down some carpeted stairs. This game is more fun after #9

6. Make inappropriate snow men in a neighbor's yard. Complete with carrot wieners!

5. Spend the entire day in your pajamas. You were going to do it anyway. I'm giving you permission.

4. Watch one of those documentaries you may be skipping by on HBO or Showtime. I highly recommend Cat Dancers. It's SO weird/amazing.

3. Make a fort. Office and dining table chairs, blankets, couch pillows, and broom sticks are all excellent supplies. After you make it, eat a meal inside it. Preferably something that goes well with fruit roll-ups.

2. Watch the tv shows that you don't get to see while you're at work. Plan to do it in morning or late afternoon though, because the news/soap opera time is pretty brutal.

1. Order a pizza and make some jerk deliver your food. (Since all you have is condiments and side dishes anyway)

Your Feet are on Fire

2009-01-24T20:38:00.003-05:00

I spent my Friday night at a bar I sometimes go to, a self-proclaimed dive. When I arrived, a bunch of my friends were on the dance floor already, hanging out. Before I even got a ‘hello’ out to everyone, one of them immediately said “WHITE IS LAVA!” and I jumped onto a black tile and followed them over to the other end of the group to talk. I didn’t think much of it and didn’t say much about it, at first, and continued on as normal with the group of 5 or 6 people, all standing on the black tiles alternately talking and dancing. For a bit we marveled as other friends came and went through the dance floor and all played along. Nothing was needed other than those 3 simple words and every one of them would instantly jump to a black tile. It’s kind of amazing the way some things are so universal and go unquestioned. I also think it’s kind of neat what experiences we don’t all share, like when F.E. brought up ‘the old wax paper and comb harmonica’ and no one else seemed to know what the hell that was about. So, one of you needs to start a new band called White is Lava and tell me how it goes.

Here’s your first album cover, aaaaand you’re welcome.

The Rules of Hipsterdom Part 2

2009-01-22T17:34:00.006-05:00

If you’re a lady, get involved in something artsy or craftsy. Whether it’s making plush, drawing, sewing things you end up never wearing, or knitting. You always get extra indie cred if you’re doing one of the aforementioned while taking advantage of public transportation. Nothing is hipper than a cute girl with a hand-made cap covering her choppy haircut, knitting a scarf on the subway.

This scarf available on shanalogic.com

Complain every now and again about how Urban Outfitters steals..er…makes their own versions of designs from freelance artists and complain just as much that you HAVE to shop there because there is nowhere else to get any clothes you like in this stupid city. All the thrift stores that used to be good totally suck now. At least we finally got an American Apparel.

Support local businesses as much as possible and try working it into conversation. If you don’t have a lot of cool local businesses nearby, there’s always a coffee shop you can patronize instead of Starbucks. Even if it’s more expensive and their coffee sucks, at least you’re keeping the money in your cool urban neighborhood. The same applies for tea houses. There’s something so hip and refined about a quiet tea house with its walls lined with tins of fancy tea and it’s friendly and almost overly gentle staff in their horizontally striped sweaters with the sleeves pushed up. They always have some soft lovely music playing, such as Daniel Martin Moore, and it's a great place to refine your recently aquired hobby of drawing or whatever.

Daniel Martin Moore - Stray Age from Soft City Lights on Vimeo.

Go to indie dance nights at the hipster bars and either get crazy-drunk or dance like a fool or stand in the back and watch (if you’re not the dancing type). Either way, it’s a good place to take notes on what everyone is wearing and who they’re hooking up with.

At some point, it’s a good idea to start making your own music. Even if you’re not very good or you’re already in a band, it will be nice to get it out there anyway. All you really need to do is start a myspace. The pictures should generally be of anything other than you. A field, children holding hands, your feet, a stick of gum, someone’s puppy, whatever, it should just be vaguely anonymous, even though everyone already knows that it’s you. Under no circumstances should your solo music have your name anywhere in the title of it. It might confuse people at first, i.e. they may comment you “Is this Rex or is this Dinosaur Push Wagon? I’m confused.” Don’t respond. People will explain to the confused others that, duh, Rex and Dinosaur Push Wagon are one in the same.

Like my friend Jacob, who also refers to himself as Caves.

The Rules of Hipsterdom Part 1

2009-01-20T14:20:00.004-05:00

Don’t be held down by other’s conventions of time, space, and blogging. If you want to blog once in the year of 2009 then blog 3 times every day in the last month of the year to make up for the rest of it, go for it. When writing, for example, a guide to hipsterdom, don’t worry about how many points you make or if you include everything. Write stuff as it comes to you, keep it ongoing, and you can change your mind. Clearly that’s the approach I’ve taken here. Sort of…let’s call it ¾-assed. So, in no particular order.

Wear unflattering glasses. Not the kind you had when you were a kid in elementary school and they had gold frames and just looked dumpy, but something SUPREMELY unflattering. Outrageously unflattering. Almost comical.

Even if you don't actually need prescription glasses, they make them with clear lenses. If you're really committed to the cause.

Embrace novelty pants. You don’t necessarily have to wear them, although you get more points if you do. But complement other’s novelty pants and tell them you wish you had the balls to wear them. Novelty pants include, but are not limited to, colored jeans, stonewashed, animal print, and anything that makes you go “Whoooa…those are actually sort of awesome”.

Never ever wear stuff like this, though. You just can't wear it ironically because it’s too true to be ironic. But definitely laugh at it amongst peers.

You can never ever admit to being a hipster, and if you're doing it right you probably don't want to. So even as you read this and identify with it, you still have to think “Yeah, but I’m not a hipster. I mean, I really like The Killers! No hipster loves The Killers!” …don’t they?

Love, unconditionally, just about everything Obama does. Talk about it occasionally on Twitter or Facebook or Tumblr or something.

This fantastic shirt available at http://chrisbishop.com/obama/ and I totally want one.

Drinking 40s will always be ironic and timelessly hilarious. Though some will tell you that PBR is the official brand of hipsters, when it comes to 40s, they’re all amazing.

You can always wear a white belt, chuck taylors, and bandannas even though the ‘normal kids’ are doing it, as long as you scoff at them while they’re doing it. (Silently or overtly, it only matters what’s in your heart)

When choosing between the options “why the hell not?” and “that would be weird” always chose “why the hell not”.

For example, rollerskating in full costume.

Do not ever type or say ‘huzzah!’. Ew.

If you don’t have your own band, at least be friends with a bunch of local indie bands. It’s the least you can do.

Perhaps there will be more to come later!

2009 Feels The Same!

2009-01-02T15:41:00.003-05:00

I hope everyone had a great New Year's Eve. I spent it with almost every one of my best friends, watching a great band and dancing. I spread my love for 2009 off the edge of the fire escape, out the window of my car, and finally snuggled up next to my toilet. So much for moderation! The first day of the new year was spent on the couch and in bed watching the mr. play Bioshock on Xbox, avoiding work I should have done, and drinking lots of water.

I'm feeling quite better today and doing my best to maintain a positive attitude and this new year. I started it off right with using my Olive Garden gift certificate....yeah, it's like a 15-20 minute drive to the nearest one, it's pretty much the cheesiest restaurant of all time, and there's only like 2 things on the menu I'll eat (other than those mysteriously delicious bread sticks and salad) but I didn't even consider complaining and ate my free mediocre food with a smile.

But when you can't find any fun at Olive Garden, you've gotta make your own.

New Year's Resolutions

2008-12-30T13:09:00.002-05:00

As this year comes to a close, we’re all left thinking about how we spent it. There are some things we wish had happened differently, some things that still make us laugh to look back on, and some things we were too drunk to even remember but still cherish. I remember last New Year’s Eve well. My friends and I declared that 2008 would be the Year of Awesome. We did our best to make that happen. So many good things happened this year. I took road trips, spun records, celebrated birthdays, lost pounds, made beautiful new friends, became better friends, quit my job, got tattooed (again), visited New York, got my first brand new car, saw a ton of shows, took a week long cruise, danced to exhaustion, formed an amazing fake band, appreciated bottles of cheap champagne, elected a black president, and immortalized my friendship in a woven afghan. Sure, there were times that weren’t so awesome…a few times where liquor made me completely snap and loose my mind and say crazy things, relationships changed, feelings were hurt…but I’ve got to think that nothing completely awful happened to me. No car wrecks, no funerals to attend, no illness or broken bones, hung on to my house, hung on to the friends that matter, hung onto my sanity. 2008, overall, was one of the best years of my life. I feel like every year I’m a little wiser, a little more relaxed, and realize a bit more exactly what I’m looking for out of life.

For 2009, I resolve to maintain that trend. Here are the things I want to do:

Start writing in this blog again.

Not hold back.

Let people know how much I appreciate them every chance I have. You know, without getting creepy.

Make careful decisions.

Maintain minimal possessions. All a girl really needs is cute clothes anyway! THIS girl, at least.

Dwell on the good stuff if I’ve gotta dwell on something.

Do all the stuff I did in 2008 that was crazy-fun before I get too old for it.

At least use your windshield wipers, dude

2008-11-06T15:35:00.004-05:00

On a brisk fall day, just a couple of weeks ago, I was out for work. The temperatures dropped pretty low for us up here for a few evenings, so a lot of the birds are doing their thang and heading to warmer climates. I came across a car I'd seen months and months before and this time had to take a picture.

It was parked on a street that only had one tree near the actual pavement for many blocks. You can actually see it in the background of the photo. The car was parked in roughly the same spot last time...not exactly. So it had definitely been driven. I guess they could park it under some sort of berry tree at work...

All I'm saying is that this person has clearly given up on life.

Ewww.

Must be November 6th

2008-11-06T14:43:00.001-05:00

Because this is the only candy left at the office.

Top 10 Reasons an Economic Crisis Actually Sort of Rules

2008-10-02T12:02:00.002-04:00

10. It will be a lot better for the environment when no one can afford to drive or power their houses.

9. Everyone will remember what it's like to be in college again, when they had no money. (and getting drunk is still pretty cheap!)

8. We have a LOT of guns!

7. When the electricity is shut off, more fireside chats.

6. When the phone is shut off, no more political phone calls or telemarketers.

5. Time to read all the classic novels that I never wanted to when the cable is shut off.

4. We'll all start to trim down with all of the walking and not-eating we'll be doing.

3. Everything looks better by candlelight.

2. I have 3 cars, 2 of which are paid off, which means I've got places to sleep!

1. I like Raemen Noodles!

An Open Letter to Gabriel Brother's

2008-09-02T21:14:00.006-04:00

Dear Gabriel Brother's,

First off, I just want to say that I truly appreciate your low prices on modern designer clothing. I do have one small issue, though. I don't think that I'm alone here when I say that I believe with all of my heart that $4 is too much to charge for a bedazzled Y2K t-shirt. It is nearly 9 years beyond being relevant - regardless of the fact that it is partially composed of silk.

I promise this was taken today. On a rack of several.

Love you,
Rex Burner

PS - If you want us to call you "Gabe's" because you think that's hipper, why didn't you name yourself that to begin with? I'm not my mom and I'm not calling Gabriel Brother's "Gabe's" just like I'm not calling JC Penney "Penney's". It's only fair.

I Wish I had my Camera

2008-08-14T20:11:00.002-04:00

I was driving home from Ikea today during rush hour. I was zoned out a little bit waiting for a long line of cars so that the truck in front of me could turn left.

The guy in the big rig in front of me hopped out because, I presume, he'd dropped something out the window. That's when I took note of his truck.

Where the license plate was supposed to be was a white license plate-sized piece of paper. On the top it said "(lost tag)" underneath that was the license plate number, and under that "Ohio". Somehow I'd forgotten both my camera and my cell phone so the event was unable to be documented. After lamenting my inability to share this sight, I noticed that the same information was written on the back door of the truck in black marker.

It's times like these I'm embarrassed to be a mid-westerner.

What the French toast?

2008-07-31T20:59:00.003-04:00

Is it considered lucky to have unfertilized twins in your French toast? You know, like a four leaf clover but with two yolks?

Those two at the bottom came out of the same egg. I stuck a fork in to scramble them and double checked...they were totally attached.

My Childhood Home

2008-07-28T23:52:00.002-04:00

Lately....the past couple of months...I've been thinking a lot about the house I grew up in.

I'm not sure why. Maybe it's the fact that my brother got married again or that my dad is living in Canada at the moment. I pretty recently was tattooed with a design by my friend Julie with a memorial for my cousin who died, so perhaps I'm just reflecting. Maybe I just have growing up on the brain. Simpler times with no mortgage, no marriage, no responsibilities, and no money to count.

Being a real estate agent, I check to see if my childhood home is on the market with a relative frequency. I'd love to see what the inside looks like and if it went on the market I'd probably try to convince The Mister to buy it.

I wonder if the new family kept that horrible wallpaper I had in my bedroom. It must have been a nursery when we moved in. My room was too much of a wreck for me to ever let my dad in to paint it a suitable color for young girl (not a baby). I hope they didn't pull up the pink tiles my dad put down one-by-one in the upstairs bathroom. I remember laying on the floor, carpet tickling my nose, watching him put them down. He forgot that he had even done it until I reminded him at dinner a few weeks ago. The early 90's was a time where my dad felt comfortable with pink tile, I guess. The bathroom downstairs had a blue toilet and blue sink. The mirror that hung above the sink was in this awful gold frame. All of that was there when we moved in and there when we moved out. He even painted the downstairs of our bi-level blue and put a blue wash on the trim. In my adult mind, I assume this was to minimize the impact of the blue bathroom fixtures. Or maybe offset that, ah, stylish paneling?

The fireplace was the worst! There was this wooden eagle permanently glued onto the brick above the rough-hewn mantle. Once, when I was probably 8 or 10, I was standing on the hearth, just fooling around, and got a good grip on that eagle's foot and broke it right off. As much as my parents hated the thing, they just glued the foot right back on.

When we moved out, I was 14 I guess. Old enough to be happy to say goodbye to my 10x10 room for a teenage palace at our new house, but still old enough to be sad to leave the place that I had done most of my growing up in.

I've driven by a few times in the last 10+ years. They painted the garage door a much darker color. I noticed that the pink blinds were no longer in my bedroom, the blue not hanging in my brother's window either. The tree I planted in the side yard on arbor day, that was once a twig, is now a huge strong monster.

My stomach turned a little when I saw the garage door up and packed with boxes of junk to the ceiling.

Dad never would have let it get that way.

They chopped back the bushes I used as a club house and played in.

It's terribly embarrassing to admit that I teared up a little when I saw that the fence is falling down in the back yard. That fence was perfect when we lived there. It had to be to keep the dog in.

He died about 6 years ago...I guess that's what was so sad about that fence. I begged my dad for that dog.

But hey, they built a shed in the back - at least it looks nice.

Last time I drove by, one of my neighborhood friends was walking down the street with her two kids, I guess they were around 6 and a 3 or so. That was an odd feeling.

In my profession, I'm dealing with buying and selling houses everyday. I talk all the time about how silly it is for people to get emotional about a house. It's just sticks and bricks, we like to say. It's money in exchange for a place to lay your head at night. I whole-heartedly believe it every time I say it. A child's home though...growing up. Now that seems different. I spent nearly all of my formative years there. I helped raise our first puppy in that house. I stayed up drinking Kool-Aid and playing video games until Arsenio Hall came on in that house. (preferably in a tent, under a couch cushion fort, or on the pull-out couch bed) I cried about my first broken heart in that bedroom. I spent every summer on a new Slip-N-Slide in the backyard. I spent my entire elementary and junior high career with that stupid baby wallpaper and yellow stove and blue toilet.

I know not everyone has the privilege of staying in one place most of their lives. Of those who do, I wonder how they feel about the house they grew up in. I wonder how I'll feel 50 years from now about it.

On My Way to New York

2008-06-05T16:04:00.000-04:00

What's a bitch gotta do to get a Nylon around here? A gauntlet of confusing pilot hotties, men looking to take advantage of a fly young lone traveler such as myself, a lady w/ an eye patch and surprisingly pirate-y voice and 4 different newsstands, that's what!

Wii Fit

2008-05-21T10:56:00.001-04:00

If you're into that kind of thing I'm blogging over at WiiMuscles about it!

http://www.wiimuscles.com/unboxing/

The Hazzards of Working Outside of the Office

2008-05-09T12:21:00.003-04:00

I've been out of my cubicle and working from 'home' (and often on the road) for the last 3 weeks. In that 3 weeks, I would have sworn that I was becoming clumsier. I've come to realize, though, that all of my recent incidents can probably all be explained by the fact that I'm not longer sitting on my rear for 8+ hours a day. In addition to the 2 mystery bruises, one on my upper thigh and one on my calf, cause unknown, I've had 3 on-the job injuries all this week.

A. While searching for a 3-hole punch I knocked over a metal box of ammunition on the floor directly onto my foot. (you can thank the mister for leaving those little land mines all over the house) It was dented in for a day and now is a healthy shade of purple.

B. I was walking up the stairs, reason unknown, and completely tripped up them getting these 2 piggies caught under the lip of the step.

C. While vacuuming under the couch cushions, I picked up the little vacuum from the hose. The hose popped out and it dropped from about 2 feet directly onto my foot.

D. is a bonus injury that happened about a month ago. I pinched a nerve in my back which is still causing random numbness and pain down my leg and up to piggies featured in B.

Let this be a warning. But I have to admit, it's a small price to pay for an awesome job.

What We Eat in the Midwest

2008-05-05T13:43:00.002-04:00

In northern Kentucky, for a mere $4.25, one can order a GLT. A goetta, lettuce, tomato, and mayonaise double decker on toast with potato chips.

For those of you who don't know, goetta is basically like a fried meaty oatmeal.
It was as good as it sounded at 4:30 am. At 9am, however, I nearly horked at the thought of it.

Nightime Reading Suggestions

2008-04-24T16:38:00.004-04:00

Lately the Mister has been on some sort of self-defense kick. I'm not sure what started it, but he has amassed a healthy collection of guns and ammunition in the last few months. He twisted my arm into taking a concealed carry class with him a month or so ago. (Yeah, I now have a License to Kill™) I don't like carrying the gun, but we have compromised for some sort of pepper spray that would put down an elephant.

Most days he'll lie down for a nap or maybe before going to bed and read a book. It's usually some fantasy or sci-fi book. I thought things might be going too far when I passed the bedroom and saw him snugged up with this book and later found it resting on my side of the bed (when I snapped this):

That sexy black and orange 70's design and clip art tipped me off that it was probably some kind of self defense book. This on is the manual that came with his kubaton, Official Kubaton Techniques.

It's one of these things that you see ladies carrying on their key chain. You're supposed to jab it into sensitive parts of the body when being attached. Ahhh makes me want to drift into a peaceful rest just thinking about it!

A Great Companion to Any Bacon Wallet

2008-04-18T10:45:00.003-04:00

from boingbong

Sooooooo can I borrow $68?

An Open Letter to The Chinese

2008-04-15T14:23:00.002-04:00

Dear Chinese,
I'm writing to ask you to please be more aware of your so-called 'fortunes' in your delicious cookies. Today I received advice, albeit useful, rather than a fortune from my cookie. It read as follows:

Find release from your cares, have a good time.

This fortune could have been salvaged with a simple addition of the phrase "You will" or "You will not". It's not hard. I am asking for a case, or more, of fortune cookies in damages, all with real fortunes. I thank you in advance for your co-operation.

Truly, Truly Yours,
Rex Burner

Devendra is dating Natalie?

2008-04-10T17:17:00.000-04:00

Fire Eagle: how is he straight?
Rex: maybe he doesn't limit himself to chosing a sexuality
Fire Eagle: he has transcended gender and species. he is omnisexual
Rex: he's above all of us

It's a Small World

2008-04-09T10:27:00.007-04:00

Bumper Bowl: do you remember Leach*?

Rex: ...no

BB: well, i got this email from him...

"hey man whats up... I finished school in salt lake a couple weeks ago and started a job at this company in blue ash called ____...apparently you know someone who works here, because during the orientation process walking around, i saw you in a picture with some girl that works here...but she wasn't here so I'm unsure of her name... but apparently Bosslady works here too..."

BB: you have a picture of me up??
BB: *tear

Rex: hahah
Rex: yes
Rex: ha Bosslady says he came over here the other day like "i know that guy!" and she was like "that's like, her best friend"

BB: yesssssssss

Rex: she asked how he knew you and he was like 'some radion station i listen to' and she picked up her mug like 'oh THIS radio station?'

BB: hahaha, that's hilarious

Rex: heck yes it is
Rex: does he know who i am now?

BB: i don't know. i didn't email him back yet.

Rex: email him back "turn around" and then come over here and stand by his desk

BB: hahaha, i'm not that quick. unless i come over there and THEN email him "turn around" from your desk.

Rex: ok let's do that

BB: ok! be right there!

Rex: ok!!1

Captions

2008-04-04T13:56:00.003-04:00

Joey: I am clearly the best dressed one here. Why is everyone standing so far away from me?
Jordan: I looooove photoshoots you guyssss!
Donnie: Do you think Dwayne Wayne was the right 'look'?
Danny: Uuuuuhhhhh
Jordan: You're workin' it Donnie!
Danny: UUUUUHHhhhhh
Jonathan: Number one. We're number one? God's number one? Is this too Christian a hand gesture?
Danny: UUUHhhhh ah...Dude?
Jonathan:Maybe I shouldn't have worn my church shoes with these pants.
Jordan: OK! Sexy stare!
Jonathan: Vest over t-shirt makes it casual.
Joey: Maybe I shouldn't be making these kind of career decisions at 13.

The Reunion Tour I'm Anxiously Awaiting

2008-04-04T12:00:00.003-04:00

When I was 16, I was mildly obsessed with Joey McIntrye. To the point where I was writing haikus about it in my English class. I was pretty sheltered and wasn't allowed to go to any concerts until this age. My first show ever was Joey at Bogart's in Cincinnati with my boyfriend at the time. I was basically the biggest nerd ever.

Rex: new kids on the block on today show video F YES
Fire Eagle: hehehehe
Rex: *sweating*
Rex: omfg, nkotb recorded a new album
Fire Eagle: why?
Fire Eagle: :-P
Rex: BECAUSE THEY LOVE ME
Fire Eagle: hahahaha good answer!
Rex: i'm joey's popsicle. from the very first time he met me, i captured him.
Rex: yeah. i said it. look it up.
Fire Eagle: i don't even know what those words mean

[Chorus]

You're my pop-si-cle!

From the very first time I met you, Girl, you captured me

You're my pop-si-cle!

All I know is that you make me feel so fancyfree.

Fire Eagle: "fancyfree"? GAY
Rex: he was 13!
Rex: i made him feel fancyfree and he didn't know how else to describe it!
Fire Eagle: as a 6 year old?!
Fire Eagle: GROSS
Rex: actually i was 2. sooooooooo
Rex: AGE IS JUST A NUMBER AGE IS JUST A NUMBER
Fire Eagle: :-/

Officer Friendly

2008-04-03T16:25:00.001-04:00

Officer Friendly
Originally uploaded by Dunny

Remember when I went to Chicago?

Well, this handsome and nice fellow took a picture of us at the Threadless gallery. I believe it was this guy, Paul, whose flickr I came across when looking at other Threadless related what-have-you-ry.

I didn't want to bother him by asking if he was the one who took it and/or if he could hook it up with a copy. I stop by his flickr every few weeks or so to see if he has posted them, or just to see if he has anything new because he is a pretty amazing photographer. Today I saw this and just HAD to post it.

He says:
"a couple of weeks ago this Officer stopped us and asked if we could take his photo... later on in convo we found out the photo was for his eharmony profile! So come on ladies hes single and looking! I need to find him again to give the photo to him. Oh and his only request for the photo besides making him look good was he wanted the coffee in the shot.. and his wish was my command.

Lets find him a date shall we?! "

Lets.

Band Name Ideas

2008-04-03T13:57:00.002-04:00

A boring email chain from work:

Support Guy:

See below..this company says they are getting bids sent to them as a result from being on some jobs. I was unable to find the Hero’s park job and on the Settler’s park job, I didn’t see them listed. Would someone in the plan room know where else they may be listed?

My Bosslady Responds:

I found Heros and Settlers in Idaho. Hero is 721552 and bid 3/31. Settler is 721539 and bid 4/2.

I reply to Bosslady:

Heros and Settlers in Idaho

Best band name eva!

Moms Relay the Important Information

2008-04-03T13:55:00.001-04:00

So my mom called me yesterday like

"Are you at home?"

and I was like

"Yeah"

and she goes

"New Kids on the Block are about to be on Entertainment Tonight!!!"

Sometimes my mom is precious.

Missed Connection: Cross Your Fingers

2008-03-20T09:57:00.003-04:00

Another possibility in my long-sought search for anonymous admiration.

Last night I was sitting at a table of friends at karaoke, drinking and eating and just minding my own. When a guy in a trench coat (!) with a ponytail (!!) in public (not a d&d convention !!!) (did not appear to be carrying a large firearm!!!!) takes notice of me.

He gives me one of those awkward grandiose nerdboy points, riiiight at me, and says "Would YOU like to sing this with me?" I laugh and ask what he's singing. He says "James Brown!". I ask what song. I can't remember what he said then. Whatever he said, I was going to say I didn't know the song....but I really didn't. He sauntered over to the mic and sang the song alone, not seeming terribly defeated.

He was seated on the other side of the bar the rest of the evening, so he didn't see me leave.

That was kind of mysterious of me, right? Right?

A Review of Frightened Rabbit

2008-03-19T17:07:00.002-04:00

A: So which 3 songs are the trifecta of Frightened Rabbit awesome?
B: Head Rolls Off > My Backwards Walk > Keep Yourself Warm
A: Ok. First listen. HERE I GO
B: Thoughts so far?
A: Person B. Holy shit. Frightened Rabbit just had make-up sex with my ears.
B: BAHAHAHAHA I know. They are fucking amazing me right now.
A: It's like all sorts of awesome and painful and confusing and like amazing. Make up sex!
B: OMG exactly!
A: You win! I don't know what, but you just totally owned something! I seriously didn't do anything during those three songs. I turned up the volume and sat here. I probably would have totally dismissed it the first time if I didin't really really listen
B: Yeah, I know what you mean. They need to settle.
A: Person C told me that she was just kind of like 'whatever' the first time, so I tried to prevent that. I'm a little afraid of listen 2 now - I might asplode!
B: This whole album is really fucking good.

So, if you're so inclined, perhaps you should check them out.

22 More Days

2008-03-19T12:56:00.002-04:00

I put my notice in at my job, and I have 22 days and some change left. I've worked here for almost 2 years. I have nice co-workers who mostly keep to themselves, a boss who lets us work independently, I can make my own hours, I get paid more than I'm worth, and work is slow-paced and I have a lot of time for screwing around. All I have to do is sit here at the computer, answer a few emails, convert a few files, and hang out.

Am I a fool?

I hope not.

Missed Connection Missed Opportunity

2008-03-18T15:32:00.003-04:00

As you may have read in earlier posts, 2008 is going to be the year that someone posts a legitimate missed connection about me. I can feel it! I've also set this goal for myself...and I don't like to leave things unfinished.

Two nights ago I had the perfect opportunity to leave things lingering and totally choked. I'm really bad at being mysterious when it comes to random undesirables hitting on me out of nowhere.

As I do on most Sundays, as of late, I was spending time with a small group of friends at a very low key bar. There were probably only 15 patrons total in the main bar area. I approached the bartender and ordered a PBR and a vodka tonic. (big girl drink for me, PBR for my friend who was djing and could not get to the bar himself) The guy sitting at the bar next to where I placed my order strikes up (awkward) conversation with me.

Guy: Vodka tonic, huh?
Me: Yep!
Guy: My name is Guy*, by the way.
Me: My name is Rex.

I shook his hand because he offered it. It was awkward. How can you say "by the way" when you weren't actually already in conversation?

Guy: So who are you here with?
Me: That group of people over there. (as I gesture to the other part of the bar)

At this point, the short wait for my drink has become painful. My drink comes and Guy is drunkenly (at least I hope he was drunk) trying to ask me something. I'm unsure of what he's saying and I squeeze my lime and ask him what he's talking about.

Guy: I was just going to ask you why you were here alone.
Me: I'm not....I'm here with all of those people....

He turned to his friend for a moment and I took it as an opportunity to get out. No goodbye, no nice to meet you, no 'look me up on craigslist sometime'. Eff!

*actually it was Jason.
oops!

Men's Branding

2008-03-13T13:49:00.002-04:00

Fire Eagle: i'm drinking Tiger Woods-branded Gato aid
FE: it's pretty good
FE: limey
Rex: ....is it a Tiger Woods flavor? or is he just generally promoting gatorade?
Rex: is it like, TIGER WOODS ROARIN LIME
FE: it's called T/GER....but imagine the / is a lightning bolt
Rex: OoOoO
Rex: i like roarin' lime better.
FE: me too

a few minutes later

FE: oh i just noticed the TWG™ is called "cool fusion™" not "Roarin' LIME"
Rex: wow. it's like they took all the stupidy dude-y words they use to describe products geared towards men with regards to sports drinks, shaving cream, and deodorant, put them in a bag and picked out two.
Rex: it could have just has easily been called WAVE RUSH
FE: lollll
FE: omg you should work in branding
FE: see what you could get away with
Rex: SUMMER BLAST
Rex: summer? i'm rethinking that
Rex: MAX BLAST?
FE: BLAST XTREME?
Rex: oh NICE
Rex: +10 for use of xtreme with no e
FE: thx!
Rex: FLAVOR WAVE
Rex: i particularly like 'wave'.
FE: indeed
FE: LIGHTING REFRESH
REX: MAX BOOST
FE: LIME QUENCHER

Scenester Bingo

2008-03-13T11:42:00.002-04:00

For quite some time, there's been a version of 'Hipster Bingo' floating around the intertubes. When I first saw it, I made 3 Cincinnati-specific 'Scene It?' bingo cards. (Stemming from the times when Fire Eagle and I pretend to be pretentious and talk about how we've already seen everything there is to see. For example: normal person asks: "Did you get a chance to see The Changes when they were in town?" scnester responds: "Oh yeah, I've sceeeeene them a million times now.")

For your bingo playing pleasure, here's the best of the two cards mashed together to be most universal.

Ghost Seeks Beer

2008-03-13T11:25:00.004-04:00

A few years ago, at my previous job working for an architect, I came across something odd in a picture. I was doing some CAD drawings and using photographs for reference. The building I was drawing is a run-down brewery downtown which my old boss purchased.

I saw something strange in the photo.

Here's a closer look.

I showed it to my co-worker. I convinced him that I did not Photoshop it, which is the truth. He thought it was strange too and tended to believe that whatever it was, it was definitely part of the picture. (Not a Photoshop or some sort of anomaly in the film)

The bossman took a look at it and didn't seem phased. At first he thought it was just the shadow of someone, but I showed him how that wasn't really possible from the poisition of the shadow. He didn't speculate on a Photoshop theory, but essentially shrugged his shoulders.

Fellow frequent Photoshoppers I've shown this to tend to think that it is some sort of manipulation. I won't offer any opinion on the matter, just the facts. I found the photo this way, I did not manipulate it, and no one that I worked with at the time had manipulated it or knew anything about it, including bossman. The photo was a couple years old, however, and folks had come and gone from the firm. A previous worker could have easily done this.

Unintentionally Dirty Internt Happy Hour

2008-03-13T11:15:00.006-04:00

screencapture from cincinnati.com

Well. That's gross.

This is from a pop-up that kept coming up trying to make me enter into some lottery.

But, you know, that's what she said!

SXSW 2008

2008-03-08T11:42:00.002-05:00

If you're interested, a couple of my friends are heading to the event and are blogeriffic about it.

http://www.danmahan.com/sxsw08/

http://twitter.com/softcitylights

Although no-one has actually made it there yet !

My Snow Day

2008-03-08T11:03:00.004-05:00

This morning I woke up to approximately 69 more inches of snow than had fallen during the day yesterday. Coming to a grand total of A Freakin' Lot".

I half-assedly started taking some documentative pictures. That's right, documentative.

Driveway and stuff through the window. Realizing that the Mr. has apparently stopped shoveling and made an escape.

Here comes some douche in a truck...

I opened up the back door to take the obligatory Table Covered In Snow picture. I tried to usher out the dogs.

This one's like "Um. No. Seriously no." (Hi dried up snow and salt on the wood floors!)

I felt for this one...he might get lost out there. Note: Backing his ears in dismay.

This one would rather bring out ALL of her toys then look at me sheepishly, as if she didn't mean it.

Well, screw this. I'm sweat pantsin' and robin' it all day.

Ah, the Mr. has returned with food, juuuuuust in time.

The Story I've Never Told Until Now

2008-03-06T13:40:00.005-05:00

I'm really not a person who likes attention. Sometimes, I invent things that become main stream and I just let it slide. People can claim that it was groupthink, or whatever they like, but I've created a lot of things that are now mainstream that are not attributed to any one creator. I don't mind staying out of the spotlight. One thing really burns my brownies, though.

Growing up, I had this amazing little dog - Bobby. He was a inbred chihuahua with a head so big it nearly drug the floor when he walked. He had this quirky thing...when he ran and tried to hold up the huge melon, it would bounce up and down. People would always comment on it.

Bobby loved to ride on my dashboard. He wanted to see out the windows, but would grow so tired that his head would fall....he'd raise it up to see...he's start to fall back asleep. It kept repeating.

Bobby lived a long life, but perished in my youth. I wanted to immortalize him in some way. I created a plastic mold of Bobby and separated the head from the body with a spring. I put "Little Bobby" on my dashboard, just where the real thing used to sit when I drove.

My best friend, at the time, would always comment how I should sell them commercially. She thought that they had universal appeal. I tried to explain that Bobby was one-of-a-kind and no one would want a plastic dog with a weak neck.

Before I knew it, she had a patent for "Bobble Heads", a true bastardization of my dog's name. It started with Chihuahuas, but it has grown into baseball players, Sea Monkeys, Pee-wee Herman, Ozzy Osbourne...basically anything with a head.

I don't want your sympathy. I wish no ill-will of my old friend who stole my meager invention. All I really want is my dog back. Because I can't have him back, in the memory of Bobby Burner, I implore you, please boycott these versions of the original. If you must, only buy the light brown chihuahuas in Bobby's memory.*

*psych!

Last Day to Register to Vote

2008-03-04T20:17:00.001-05:00

....and I made it!

Rollerbladers in the Office Parking Lot

2008-03-03T17:09:00.002-05:00

Rex: the most amazing thing ever just happend.
Rex: there are these boys rollerblading in our parking lot, right next to my car.
Rex: i gave sharon my alarm key so she could set it off when they got near the car to fuck with them. which she did. then popped the trunk.
Rex: and i had to take the walk of shame outside to shut it.
Rex: embarassing but hilarious
Bumper Bowl: hehehe that's great
Rex: it was especially funny that this whole side of the building was watching it go down.
B. B. : did the rollerbladers say anything to you?
B. B. : were they catcalling at you?!?!
Rex: i heard them talking but they didn't say anything directly to me. when i came back in my co-workers said they were saying something but they didn't say what.
Rex: PF i wish!
Rex: i covet a good cat-call
Rex: i'm hearing now that, apparently, one of the boys said "shake your booty" to me while i was out there.
B. B. : AWWW and you missed that opportunity!?!!?
Rex: i know :(
Rex: you know i can't resist shaking it for teenagers. :(
B. B. : that's probably the weirdest thing you've ever said to me
Rex: why do you always have to make me feel bad for the things i can't change?

SCENE.

Revisiting Childhood Through a Movie

2008-03-01T18:41:00.008-05:00

This afternoon I came home from a few hours of shopping (I know, I know, pity me and my new flat iron) to plop down on the couch and rest my feet. I idly started painting my nails and turned on the tv for some noise. I stumbled onto a movie channel and Dirty Dancing was just beginning.

This was one of my favorite movies from childhood. It was easy for me to put myself in Baby's position. While my dad wasn't a doctor, I got pretty much everything I wanted and was quite sheltered. (I mean, I recently discovered that some kids got those awful fruit 'Huggie' things while I had delicious Ecto-Coolers) I longed for some bad boy with tight jeans and a flowy mullet to take a liking to me and teach me The Lambada: Forbidden Dance of Love. I've always loved dancing, for as long as I can remember, and I always wished I knew how to do these dances and had a partner, other than my dog, to do them with. I was pretty sure that this would happen during one of the 2 summers I went to camp for a week.

I didn't expect many surprises...even though the last time I saw the movie I was probably 10 years old. (Right at that age where I started to realize that these sweaty kids were getting DOWN and that maybe I shouldn't be watching this with my mom sitting next to me on the couch) I couldn't really remember the plot...just that for some reason Johnny has to teach Baby how to dance and they totally fall in love.

But in case you were thinking about revisiting it yourself and haven't seen it a while, I'll sum up my recent observations.

-This movie is soooo contrived.
-Apparently this is set in the 60's...but...80's style.
-Was there always this much dry-humping?
-What exactly happened with that girls abortion that made her sweaty, again?
-Why is everyone in this movie in their 30's? Aren't they supposed to be teenagers?
-Do Baby and Johnny ever actually talk...or do they just fall in love dancing?
-People are ALWAYS gazing at each other uncomfortably long in this movie.
-Did I seriously think Patrick Swayze was hot?
-How is it possible that I practically want to cry at the end when they do the lift, still?

I highly recommend revisiting it.

In a somewhat related note, did I ever tell you that Bumper Bowl was in a movie with Patrick Swayze? I swear. He played his step-son.

Pee-Wee Frogman

2008-02-29T11:34:00.001-05:00

Happy leap day, kids!

Manditory Fun!

2008-02-28T20:05:00.002-05:00

At work, HR has decided in recent months that there should be activies in which we are not required to participate, however strongely encouraged. The activities, I suppose, are supposed to boost morale and make me feel all warm and fuzzy about my job.

This time we're painting frogs. For leap day. Competing for I-HOP gift cards. GET IT?

See what happens tomorrow....

Dusting off the Old Cell Phone

2008-02-28T19:50:00.004-05:00

Here are some random pictures I've taken within the last few weeks on my cell phone for no particular reason! Weee!

The box my gum came in seemed to be telling me something.

This is pretty much what last Friday was like.

One of the offices that is near to the Super Duper Far Away Parking Lot That We Only Use When There is Nowhere to Park left this interesting note on my co-worker's car. The red circles are from where my boss started circling the gramatical oddities.

Robot!

2008-02-23T11:59:00.002-05:00

Last night was simultaneously incredibly fun and incredibly annoying. As usual, Fire Eagle got arty on my arm.

Help With Your New Camera

2008-02-19T15:00:00.002-05:00

Fire Eagle just got a really fly new Nikon. She hasn't quite figured out the subtleties yet.

So I made this handy chart for her so she knows which settings to use for certain situations.

Look What Just Came in the Mail!

2008-02-16T10:41:00.007-05:00

(the corndog air freshner is for Uncle Whiteshorts. I haven't sent him a package in a while. I'll think of something good to toss in there too)

I can't wait to break this out at the mall or something. As awesome as these bacon wallets are, I know I've never seen one in public. Pictures don't really do it justice. It really *does* look like a slab of bacon.

I also have to recommend it - way more pockets than the scantron wallet!

I appologize for the recent lack of updates. I've been a little wrapped up in something new and something lovely and something lucrative. I'll be back soon with stupid stories!

In My Office Today

2008-02-14T11:28:00.002-05:00

My co-worker's girlfriend sent her a sextet of tuxedoed men to sing 2 love songs to her. How embarassing and sweet.

Happy Valentine's Day!

This Weekend's Tattoo Modifications

2008-02-11T12:21:00.001-05:00

angry dinosaur face!

....really?

2008-02-08T17:17:00.002-05:00

A few months ago, a new guy started at work. During a meeting, he leaned over and asked my boss if he could borrow...

her chapstick.

Lucky for her, she didn't have any at the meeting and didn't have to have that awkward "Do you seriously want to use my chapstick?" moment. Today is Friday and we're all feeling a little slaphappy, so she left him a gift for monday on his desk.

The People Have Spoken

2008-02-08T10:25:00.000-05:00

Bacon wallet it is. I placed my order last night!

What a Corndog is Like. In Hell.

2008-02-06T22:26:00.000-05:00

Don't get me wrong, I love a great corndog. Right now I'm mighty fond of the Morningstar Farms fake meat variety. I've also been known to eat a regular corndog or two. I defended the mighty treat when Uncle Whiteshorts voiced his disdain for them. Why, I remember the summer of 2001 eating an incredibly overpriced corndog at Warped Tour and it being one of the most delicious meals of my life.

But today...today the corndog has forever changed in my mind. While walking through the breakfast aisle at my local Kroger, I spotted something.

Jimmy Dean.

Pancakes.

and Sausage.

ON A STICK.

With artificial blueberry flavor??!! How long has this been going on?

Crapquest

2008-02-06T14:35:00.001-05:00

Bumper Bowl makes the Best-Worst maps to help me and Fire Eagle find things. A couple weeks ago, I asked him to help me find the post office and he drew this map for me.

(Warning: BB has a filthy mouth)

FE and BB are taking a trip together this summer to Montreal, and she wanted directions. Here's what she got.

(Small print reads: unfortunately she gets pregnant. and then you're fucked. but the plus side is you get to move to montreal but then she leaves you for a much better looking guy, like that arcade fire fuck, and you end up lonely again and you can't speak french)

FE and I are going to New York this summer, so BB was kind enough to show us the way.

We're pretty sure that this service could help a lot of people who are tired of getting crappy directions from other websites. So if you need directions to somewhere, shoot me an email and let me know. BB should be back with you in a few short weeks. If not, just look it up somewhere else because he probably forgot about you.

How To Embarass Your Boss: An Easy 2 Step Program

2008-02-05T19:02:00.000-05:00

So, you say it's your boss's birthday? Here's a quick guide to how to be sure she's mortified for years to come.

Step one:

Take your boss to a restaurant. Any restaurant will do, but the best time to do it is around noon when there's plenty folks from the lunch crowd.

Step two:

Tell your waiter that it's the boss's birthday. Watch the magic happen. In this case, we brought her to a Mexican restaurant. First they start hooting and/or hollering from across the room.

Feel the shame?

Then a waiter (hope it's the most attractive one) puts a big silly sombrero on her head. All of the wait staff sings their own kooky version of happy birthday.

Sometimes, amazing things come along that you just can't account for. In our case, a very elderly man at the table next to us took note of all the gaiety. He walked over behind my boss and gave her that old man poke on the shoulder. As she turned to him, he slowly cupped her face, puckered cartoonishly, and went in for a kiss on the lips. I turned my head, not wanting to see the moment of contact. She claims that she moved down just in time and he kissed her nose. Because I turned away, I missed the precious moment. Here you can see the aftermath as Oldy Olterton waltzes away.

If you want your boss's birthday to be this much of a success, I suggest taking her to El Mediocre Grande Authentic Mexican Restaurante and Grille and planting yourself near this sly fox.

Tattoo

2008-02-05T15:09:00.000-05:00

Last week, I was on a friend's podcast talking about nothing in particular. My one of my tattoos came up.

We discussed the different ideas people have had about what it was: Pennsylvania, toast (x2), (when partially obscured) a molar, and some other wacky stuff, among one correct guess. Fire Eagle has also drawn on it twice to make it a kitten

and a reindeer.

My podcastin' friend asked his readers, in jest, to send in a picture of what they thought the tattoo looked like based on those descriptions. Someone took him up on the challenge.

Thanks, Brenton Matone, at least you got my sexy sexy stems correct.

A Guide to Chicago Tourists: 1 Day in The City

2008-02-04T11:49:00.000-05:00

If this car ride is going to take a while, might I recommend a Gigantic Ass Rockstar Energy Drink and some sweet shades? If you're wondering, I made it about 2/3 through the 24 ouncer.

If your GPS won't stay stuck to the windshield, find any hipster-approved device to hold it steady. Here, we're using a Chuck Taylor made of hemp +2 Indie Cred Points.

When you arrive, head straight to the Threadless store. They have computers set up where you can put your face on the mannequins in the window.

Across the street is a tasty Thai restaurant called Sura. These are the the vegetarian dumplings...I can't remember what they were called on the menu. Sura told us at the door it would be a 30 minute wait. We ate at the bar. When a couple came in behind us a minute later, they seated them right away. -2 Indie Cred Points.

After you've fueled up, it's time for a night of dancing at The Darkroom. I'd recommend developing a girlcrush on this young lady. Also, watch out for the serial voyeur who will take you picture and post them on the internet in between checking himself out in the mirror.

At the end of the night, write something completely illegible on your wrist area. In the morning, try to figure out what you were trying to tell yourself. Fire Eagle still doesn't know.

If you're looking to document day 2, my final recommendation is charging your camera.

Thoughts about Murderin' and TV

2008-02-04T11:39:00.000-05:00

I think it was probably engrained in me from childhood to love a good murder mystery. My mom was always reading true crime novels. There were always shows like 48 Hours or Unsolved Mysteries on TV.

Shows have become more and more realistic and gruesome since the 90s, when I was a kid. CSI is happening in 3 different cities, now. And after watching other shows I've realized that CSI is basically a complete fabrication anyway. Why are they doing all of the detective work? I have no idea. Where did they get the shoeprint database? Totally made it up. I'm playing CSI: Hard Evidence for Wii right now. (It may be better known as CSI:Point Your Wii Remote at the TV and Watch This Montage) It's nice that it's easy, though. I become impatient with harder games.

I'm not sure which came first, the murder mystery or the uniforms, but somewhere along the way I've taken a liking to uniforms. See: completely normal looking nice dude from Tennessee, Derrick Pendergrass, when in uniform he transforms to Super Foxx. I remember telling Fire Eagle once that walking through the airport is a strange experience. I find myself thinking "What the hell is up with all of these hot dudes? How could there possibly be this much of a concentration of hot dudes in one place?" They're called pilots. Otherwise known as regular dudes in awesome uniforms.

At work we've got this guy who's a consultant. He has dirty blonde hair in a vaguely 80s style and glasses that clearly haven't been replaced since the Regan administration. He likes to wear those knock-off Coogi sweaters and tight pleated khakis. We, the geniuses of data entry, call him Coogi Dahmer. Interesting though, that Jeffrey Dahmer is recognizable enough that we'd nickname a guy after a serial killer with a swell fashion sense. If, for some reason, you don't remember him here's a pretty good representation of how both Jeff and The Cooge look from The Smoking Gun.

It's all fun and games until one starts watching a show like The First 48. It's a true crime detective show that follows detectives as they work a case and bust bad guys. It has really given me a feel for how people commit murder, why, and how they can get away with it. I find myself in bed with the Mr. late at night discussing how we could commit the perfect murder.

"You'd have to burn the guy to get rid of the most evidence."

"But wouldn't the fire get a lot of attention? You have to do something more subtle."

"Well, how are we killing the guy anyway?"

"We need to figure out, first, who we want to kill and why."

"We could probably kill a homeless person pretty easily"

I'm not sure if this shift in more realistic crime shows is really great for anyone's psyche when I, a person who has no reason to murder someone, is musing about the pefect crime. (just in case)

The Bacon Gods are Speaking to Me

2008-02-01T10:01:00.000-05:00

I saw this on Woot! today - The Bacon Cheese Baconburger. I think it may be a sign.

Battle!

2008-01-31T10:35:00.001-05:00

I've had this Scantron wallet for a while.

I bought it in a boutique in Chicago, called Penelope's, a couple of years ago. It has served me well and is still in great shape. It's a conversation starter. People seem to like to reminisce about their old school days and test-taking.

Not too long ago, my friend Bumper Bowl told me about The Sneeze. It's one of those blogs that I'd read a bunch of entries from. They'd been linked on one of my daily blog checks or Digg or something but I'd never explored the rest of the blog until recently. (If you're a first timer, might I recommend "How To Draw a Face"?) From time to time, Steve from The Sneeze will talk about Bacon wallets from Archie McPhee. Archie McPhee is this crazy awesome site that sells lots of crazy awesome stuff. (and they create all of it.) When I first saw the bacon wallet some time ago, I thought it was most excellent. At the time I didn't have a need for a new wallet but I decided to keep it in mind. Of course, I didn't do that, and was reminded by Steve's blog. Now I really covet one. It's up to you to decide readers. Which is more awesome: Bacon: the Candy of Meats, or Scantron: The Great Uniter? Poll can be found on the sidebar over there.

Curious.

2008-01-29T19:32:00.001-05:00

Dear Kylie:

Wow.

I guess you really showed up me in the 2nd and 3rd grade.

Little late though, don't you think?

-Rex

PS- I wish you could see the rest of that dress on the right. The floral you see as a cropped jacket with poofy short sleeves, over the fitted black top half. The bottom was a huge poofy floral knee length skirt that matched the jacket. I wore this with black ballet flats, if you were wondering.

PPS- Yes, the photo on the left DOES feature Hammer Pants™

Public Humiliation: Operation Hot Sauce

2008-01-29T14:32:00.001-05:00

This afternoon, my office manager instant messaged my co-worker. It went something like this:

OM: is Rex in the office today?
CW: yes, she's right here.
OM: does she have a bottle of hot sauce in the kitchen?

CW asks me, I say yes.

OM: did she let Office Jerkhole* use it?

of course, I hadn't.

OM: well it's sitting on the counter in the break room next to his pot of chili.

So - I got involved.

REX: what a jerk. stealing my hot sauce.
OM: totally
OM: do you want me to say something to him>?
REX: who is it?
OM: well, Office Jerkhole made the soup
OM: I don't know who took the sauce, but it is sitting on the counter in the small kitchen by the soup pot
REX: well, i like Office Jerkhole and all, but that's kind of a jerk thing to do
OM: with your name clearly written on it
REX: i don't wanna start any trouble or anything. but if you want you're welcome to say something to the culprit
OM: ok
OM: how full was it?
REX: i'm not sure...not totally full. maybe like 1/4 full
OM: ok, it's at about half right now i would say
OM: i will say something to him for sure

A few minutes later, she came over with the bottle. My name is admittedly gimongus on it, written twice, the entire height and width of the label. She says the conversation went something like this.

OM approaches OJh who is on the phone.

OM, noting the headset: "Are you on the phone?"
OJh: "Yes, I'm doing a demonstration. Do you need something?"
OM: I need to talk to you about this. *Presents bottle of delicious wing sauce, meant for my lips only*
OJh: Oh, that goes back there (indicating the kitchen)
OM, stunned: I know it does.
OJh: I'll talk to you about it later.

Learn your lesson people. Keep your Red Hot Wing Sauce™ far from sales.

*hope I spelled your name right!!1one!

Road Trip!

2008-01-29T11:55:00.000-05:00

Just a quick note:

Fire Eagle and I will be headed to Chicago this weekend to see a show of her friend, Nigel Dennis. I highly recommend you check out his work on his web page.

http://www.electricheat.org/

His show will be going on from 7-9 pm this Friday at the Threadless retail store.

Who knows, we may even catch a glimpse of my favorite Threadless designer, Ross Zietz. (Click the picture to check out some designs on his flickr site)

While we're in Chicago, Chi-Town, if you're a douche, we hope to hit up Adobo for some incredible food:

If you've never been, you really should go.

I Am one of the Chosen

2008-01-28T11:51:00.000-05:00

This morning I trotted out to start up the Mr's car and grab the mail. I found an interesting looking envelope that was definitely either junk mail or a sign from God. The first thing I saw when I opened it up was a message about how my family had been blessed to receive a "Bible Faith, Church, Prayer Rug". For the next 24 hours.

Wait a minute, I can't even keep this? Weak.

I flipped through the rest of the pages, which had clearly been meant just for me.

I came across what appeared to be the "Prayer Rug" but something spoke to me, saying that I wasn't ready yet. That's when I found this:

So I provided the 57-year-old church with some vital information for Jesus's records. Name, age, address, birth date, social security number, bank accounts....things that Jesus can't obtain on divine intervention alone. Plus, I really needed to see what the prayer rug was all about. It seemed to work for these ladies:

and I bet $46,000 was worth a lot more in the 1970's!

I opened up the prayer and said it aloud. I couldn't wait to get to this rug...it must hold some mystical powers. I was so flattered that they sent it to little old me! I found the instructions for the rug at the bottom.

"Notice the face if Jesus on this Church Prayer Rug. When you first look, you will notice that His eyes are closed. If you relax, and continue looking straight into His eyes, you will see His eyes slowly opening and He will begin looking back at you. Jesus sees your needs. (Philippians 4:19) Use this unusual, important, Church Prayer Rug for tonight only"

Now I knew it had to be real. I'm certain that there's nothing that the son of God loves more than a good optical illusion.

Deviance

2008-01-27T13:00:00.000-05:00

Picture this. You're at a favorite bar with you buddies, dancing and pouring liquor down your gullet like it's water. All you want to do is have a good time and get some sweet pictures for your myspace/facebook/crack-like social networking site of your choice. You've thoroughly settled into your liquid sweater when the cameras start breaking out. It's the same story.

You get in a picture with her.

Oh, you can get in too!

No, we like you!

No seriously get in!

Oh COME ON get in the picture!

No I won't put it on the internet.

Now you and him!

Now him pouring his drink on his head!

Now him doing the worm!

Now him doing the worm with no pants on!

It goes on all night.

Then, some asshole jumps in the back with is deviant 'brow, ruining a perfectly good picture.

Perhaps you didn't catch that.

You'd be sure that this was an isolated incident, right? 2 1/2 years later, you've never seen anything like this before or since. Then, last night, you're going through the motions.

You and him!

Him and her!

Her and her!

How do you turn on the flash?

No, you're taking a video now!

No YOU bend over the pool table!

He strikes again.

a closer look:

Something must be done.

Band Names - A Collection of Terrible Ideas

2008-01-26T11:04:00.000-05:00

Nice Pit-Stain, Superman (NPSS we'd call it "in piss" for short)

Extra Delicious / Extra Frightening (created while discussing corn dogs with Uncle Whiteshorts)

Naked Time Details (created years ago with Fire Eagle)

The Tim Horton's Explosion (after a Tim Horton's really did explode)

Fighting With These Giant Wontons

if you're interested in using any of them, I can give you my lawyer's information!

A Night In

2008-01-25T23:03:00.002-05:00

Normally, I wouldn't go posting this many entries. Tonight, however, is not a normal night. My shiny new pink laptop came! I'm more butch than not...why, last weekend a friend told Fire Eagle and I that if we were gay for each other that I would definitely be the more manly of the two. This is 2008, Walt, and lesbians can be 2 feminine and classy ladies! Unfortunately I'm not much of either. But something about a custom pink laptop puts me all in a tizzy.

It knows what's up with the great rhymes too.

You're damn right it did! Should have hired Microsoft for your slogan, 2001! Suckers!

Tonight I've also got a little ladyfriend over. She's doing her best to master the Wii right now. She's a very smart 8-year-old, but she's really struggling with this interface. She does, however, really dig the webcam on this baby.

A Day In The Life

2008-01-25T04:18:00.000-05:00

Disclaimer: I've had enough caffiene to make a small elephant's heart explode. If you were wondering, I kiss my mother with this mouth.

Rex: http://www.neatorama.com/2008/01/24/dos-and-donts-with-babies/

Fire Eagle: ooooooooooooh so THAT'S what i've been doing wrong!

Rex: i TOLD you you're not supposed to hose it off

Fire Eagle: but it's so much easier!

Rex: but wasn't the baby drowning last time? wasn't it??
Rex: i mean, i know it was only drowning a LITTLE but babies hate that shit.

Fire Eagle: stupid high-maintenance babies.

Rex: you should really stop telling people you're a nanny if you're going to keep hosing down their babies.

Fire Eagle: don't tell me how to live my life!

Rex: you can't go around pissing off babies! those babies will grow up to be REALLY mad at you!

Fire Eagle: IF they remember
Fire Eagle: babies are forgetful as hell

Rex: i guess you're right. and how are you ever going to help the parents have another 'little hercules' if you don't bring the kid to the gym for a couple harmless curls and bench presses? i mean, this thing seems to be telling us that the world needs more weak-ass chubby babies

Fire Eagle: amen

Rex: i tell you what, those babies will be pissed but they'll be clean and strong and they can channel that anger into their training

Protecting Identities, One Ridiculous Nickname at a Time

2008-01-25T01:44:00.000-05:00

Here's a quick rundown for you to put on your newfangled celluar telephone handheld hoo-ha when you need to remember who's who around these parts.

Rex - a journaler from age 11, a blogger from age today. I have every intention of writing whatever comes to mind that's amusing, funny, heartfelt, endearing, annoying, cute, sappy, happy, your hair is nappy, lint-trappy

Sometimes I can't stop rhyming.

I have one brother, a husband, dogs, a house, and other boring things included a gaggle of in-laws and lots of extended family in the south (requisite ya'll).

Fire Eagle - a firey red-head (sometimes) with a penchant for patriotism and saving wildlife* We have been friends since we met in 2005 but better friends since Oh Six. We usually spend the weekends together dancing, drinking, rabling, and rousing. We share a love of Greek food and things meatless, though I'm not a vegetarian and she is. Our wardrobes are slowly meshing into one. We spend a lot of time IMing diabolical plans for world domination through Awesome.

Bumper Bowl - a bloggin, flimin', hat and blue plaid wearin' fool who I met around the same time as Fire Eagle and became better friends with around the same time. He loves to play bumper bowl and he himself is much like the sport. He gets played a lot by girls (and little kids), he always bounces back, and he's always freshly buffed.** We share a love of Smoothie Planet, and Junior Senior's 'Move Your Feet'. We can be seen having short conversations outsides of The Smoothie Place or stirring up trouble at various adult beverage establishments.

Davey Jones - Davey is one of my oldest and dearest friends from back in my formative junior high years and beyond. We became super duper friends my sophomore year of high school and haven't looked back. We enjoy acting like idiots together, long periods of not calling to return back to normal, and karaoke. She's an amazing actress, beautiful singer, and has really shiny hair with her precious dimples. ***

Uncle Whiteshorts - we shared a few mutual friends and immediately bonded upon meeting about 2 years ago. His hobbies include tennis in his tiny white shorts, being robbed at gunpoint, and wearing multi-colored cartoon jorts.**** He moved away from this fine city a couple of years ago but we stay in close contact. His ears are tiny, but his heart is large and sense of humor, dare I say, off the hook.

Dweebil Moonbeast - I heard this on the internet once. This has somebody written all over it.*****

*those last two statements are not true.
** i'm making this up
*** this is all true
***** i couldn't eat another bite. i just had lunch
***** do you want to be friends?

You've gotta have goals.

2008-01-01T11:19:00.000-05:00

So, here it is. A new year. I don't know exactly what that "means" - other than the facts. I get the 4 seasons again, there's one more day in this one, an election is coming up, Christmas is over, I'm picking up another 365 days worth of dog crap. It's still same-old same-old, but we're calling it 'new' now or we might all just get bored. Or, if you're like me, start considering your options about how you can speed up global warming so winter will be OVER already. I have to wonder to myself in this, the most extraneous times of the year; Could I stand to lose a pound or two? Should my eyebrows be....less bushy? (No srsly, should they? They're all natural) Is my hair the right color? (Chop Shop Scott thinks so, and he's one of the coolest people around) Do I hate my job? (Well...hate is a strong word) You know.

This year is going to be better. My friend FIRE EAGLE* and I, one of my very b of my ff's, decided that 2008 is The Year of Awesome. I threw a lot of great slogans her way. Ones that rhymed, just like my class of 2001 slogan did! (Getting business done in 2001! and I had suggestions for that one too. Mix Business and Fun in 2001! Have a Fight? Don't Bring Your Gun in 2001! Can you think of a Good Pun in 2001?) For example. Those Shoes Look Great in 2008! Control Your Fate in 2008! Settin' you Straight in 2008! Find Fire Eagle a Mate in 2008! I Can't Remember That Guy's Name, Is It Nate: It Happened it 2008! Going fishing? Don't Forget the Bait in 2008! Keep Your Vinyl in a Crate in 2008! Do You Think You're Late? Don't Have Babies in 2008! My Brother is Marrying a Girl Name Kate in 2008! (That's true!) I mean, the list was hefty but she was having none of it. We're two mildly shy mostly crazy ladies who like to control our destiny and put out an aura of awesome when we can. So 2008 Year of Awesome will have to do.

I always set goals for myself, and I met the 2 of them last year, leaving this year ripe with possibility. I laid it on her. This year- SOMEONE is going to write a legit Craigslist Missed Connection about me. HOW is that going to work, exactly? I have to be as publicly awesome as possible, not talk to too many strange men (I think I've got that covered), and be seen.

I swear if you read them, you'll want one written about you. I wrote one for my friend Nick a few weeks ago when he went m.i.a. and there was amusement 'a plenty. Sometimes I can become lost in the fantasy of these things.
Subj: Dairy Aisle m4f
Body: Did you get low-fat cheese because you think you're fat? You're not. You could be eating regular cheese if you wanted to. Tell me what color my armpit hair is so I know it's you!

Subj: YOU LOOKED SO HOT m4f 47
Body: I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYONE WEARING ONE OF THOSE SLEEVELESS HOODIES LOOK SO GOOD. YOU WORE THE SH*** OUT OF THAT GIRL I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU BUT I AM TO SHY TO PLEASE HIT ME BACK PS I LIKE YOUR RED HAIR ;)

Subj: office crush m4f 26
Body: i am a contractor who comes into your office sometimes. i pass by you every time i come in but i can't find the words to say to you to let you know how i feel. you are the red-head who always has her heater on. i can keep you warm! email me with my first name and where i work so i know it's you.

I mean, that shit is romantic! Of course in the stalkeriest, creepiest way possible. But it still has that residual sweetness and sincerity, am I right? Wish me luck in my quest!

*names changed to protect people who really really want a cool nickname

What does it mean?

2008-01-01T00:00:00.000-05:00

When I was 14, a freshman in high school, my family moved into a new house. My parents, being the wacky kids they were, didn't bring the stove with them and we had to start anew with what was left behind by the previous owners. (ewww gross whatiftheywerecanibalsohmygod!) My dad works for a huge company. He travels pretty frequently, sometimes works long hours, and loves his job almost as much as he loves his family. He has a wicked sense of smell. (luckily for me I wasn't so much a drinker in high school - he would have smelled that vodka permeating my pores in a hot minute) My dad is also a huge dork who is pretty into online gaming to unwind. My mom, bless her little heart, raised my brother and I as a stay-at-home mom.

She made dinner just about every night.

When we moved into this new place, either my mom made something messy that spilled to the bottom of the oven or one of the previous owners did. Either way, my dad and his silly nose could smell it the moment she fired it up for dinner most nights. 3 or 4 times a week, at least, my dad would yell down to my mom "Is something burning?" "It smells like something's burning." or "Hey hun, did you burn something?". You'd think after a year or two of this, he'd realize that Mom wasn't much for oven-cleaning. (the rest of the house was pretty spic 'n span) Every day, my mom had the same response. "It's just something on the burner!" I guess technically, it wasn't on the burner. It was the bottom of the oven. But it's easier to say than "I burned something, but it was a while ago, and nothing is burning now don't worry about it!" The show would go on so often it became pretty hilarious to the rest of the family. We'd start pre-emptivly yelling "Just something on the burner!" before he could ask. Or we'd wait to see how long it would take for Dad to panic about the burning smell.

This went on for a least the little over 4 years that I was living in the house. Multiple times a week, without fail. Sometimes when I visit - I get to hear it again.

I love my dad to a million little tiny pieces, but he's not much of a talker and like I said, he plays a lot of video games and works a lot. It was fun to have this interaction with him. No matter how busy he was, or how exhausted, or how many episodes of Babylon 5 he had dvr'd, I got this little moment with Dad.

It was a metaphor for his life...always something on the burner. Work, painting the house, mowing the lawn, trimming the trees, planning finances to send me to two over-priced colleges. (My brother, that bastard of a genius, got a full ride) And my mom...had something on the burner 5 nights a week for us two kids and Dad. Making the family work. Here I am, trying to make this little blog work...always something on the burner.

The Nature of Strangers

2006-10-11T14:54:00.000-04:00

I've always been interested in poking my nose in the lives of others. Not every other person in the world, per se, but people whom I find to be different or interesting. Ever since I started the job I work at now, about about 4 months now, I've been wondering who emptied my trash. At my last job, I emptied my own. Or, on occasion, our accountant would empty the trash for us on his way out. Sometimes the boss did it too. Which is all very shocking, working in an 'office' which used to be a home. It's clearly a full conversion when bossman is working in the kitchen and I'm working across the hall in the bedroom. I can't tell you how many times I had the cold droopy truth of his loofah staring at me when I went to the bathroom, where there was a full bath.

Anyway, here we must have some sort of janitorial service doing it.

I generally only work until 6 or so. When I leave, there's random trash in the can. Scraps of paper, a piece of gum, empty juice bottle, bakery bag from my bagels, receipts I've cleaned out of my purse, and such. In the morning, when I return to work, the garbage is always empty. I always wondered if he wondered who I was. What's with this inflatable sword on her desk? (Toy from a fast food restaurant) Why is her cubicle so empty? (Relatively new employee) What's in this stack of cds on her desk? (Mostly Indie) Why is there always popcorn on the floor around her desk? (I'm just a slob) I know if I was a janitor in a small office I'd wonder about the people that sat at those desks I emptied trash for and swept around. I don't have any pictures up. Did he wonder if I was male or female? Peek in a desk drawer to try to find out? A few weeks ago, the mystery trash person finally came while I was still at my desk. All I could make out of the corner of my eye was a tall slender black male wearing all white. I wasn't sure if it was a uniform or coincidence. I couldn't look at him though, because there were only 2 of us in the room, and I'd have to turn completely to see him. My curiosity would be too obvious to him, but it was killing me.

Yesterday, I heard him come in again. He sneezed in the cubicle next to me and I heard him whisper "Excuse me." Should I have said "Bless you!"? I'd heard that this was an ancient saying stemming from people believing that your soul leaves your body when you sneeze or something. And that your heart doesn't actually stop. I wondered about it for a moment too long when I realized "It's too late now. The window has passed for that". He passed around my co-workers cubicle around to my trash can and began pulling the bag out. I wondered if it was leaking - I'd thrown some sprite away.

I start packing up and leaving and I hear him say "Excuse me?". I peeked my head around the wall and yes, he was talking to me. He's younger than I expected.

"What artist is that?"

"Artist?" I wondered. "Maybe he's talking about my shirt? No no, that doesn't really make sense" I thought.

I had my head phones on, so he didn't know what music I was listening to. I looked at him with my face a bit crinkled.

"What?"

"On top."

Now I was really confused. I consider that maybe he means on MY top, as in shirt. It was a comedian's shirt. Mitch Hedberg - the words "remix + remix = normal" printed in bold yellow letters on the green shirt. He probably wasn't referring to him as an "artist", but I was still just getting a still body and blank stare from him. No clues.

"On top." he says again.

I looked down at my desk. There wasn't much on it. Keyboard, monitor, mouse, some papers, stack of cds, water bottle, etc. The longer I visually searched the more awkward things became.

"Just tell me what you're asking!" I was then screaming in my head.

Finally, he moseys over and points to the cd (on top!) of the stack.

"OH! The Gossip."

It was way louder than a normal speaking voice. Startling. It just made the situation that much more awkward.

"Oh is that who it is..." he asks rhetorically, already turning to grab another trash can.

I walked out to my car thinking that it wasn't at all how I pictured my first encounter with the janitor. I wrestled with it all the way home. "Was he trying to make me look like an idiot? Was he just nervous? Did he forget the word for 'stack' or 'desk'?"

Nah. That guy's an idiot.