A Conversation Regarding Decency

Rex: Whenever I hear TLC's 'Creep' all I can think about is Chili's underboob in silky pjs. Does that make me a lesbian? Is that insensitive to the memory of Lisa "Left-Eye" Lopez? So many questions.

CoCo: Oh man, I remember that underboob.

Rex: It gave me confusing feelings!

CoCo: It was quite a formative image to see at that young age.

Rex: I think that underboob sent me into a tailspin of failed relationships that ultimately lead to my divorce and I'm just now coming to terms with it.

Coco: EFFING CHILI!!!
Coco: Ruining your life.
Coco: Gaw whaddabitch.

Rex: It's hard to overcome your inner shame after seeing things like that in childhood.
Rex: It was really careless of her.

General Unfocused Blog Updatery

Oh man, so much has happened since I last visited my poor neglected blog. I’m back at this 9-5 desk job scenario and I’m trying hard to keep a positive attitude, but I’m sort of missing waiting tables.

The highlights of this cube farm:

Wednesday afternoon snacks provided by a different member of my department, kindergarden-style.

Sometimes people bring in free donuts. It’s true that a donut tastes amazing when it’s free, even if all of the icing slid off into the box and the raspberry jelly filling is reminiscent of blended jell-o.

This building was built in the 50’s I’d guess and the bathrooms have never been remodeled. There is an ashtray built into the toilet paper dispenser in every stall. I can’t stop thinking about how much I want to take up smoking so I can try this at home. (Smoking indoors is illegal in Ohio, y'all. Freedom ain’t free. Or whatever.)

It will be a cold day in hell when I miss a single Facebook update or Twitter. Down time has me combing the internet for any kind of entertainment I can find.

I’ve become the honorary Johnny Cash of the office. It’s so cold in here that I wear my black winter coat every day with black jeans (because they’re cooler than normal ones) and boots. At least I look cool in fingerless gloves. I bet everyone thinks I'm mysterious, guys. I’m championing logo Snuggies for our Christmas gift this year!

My boss put a birdfeeder outside the window we both face. The birds get into crazy battles for the food. There is a splash of blood from one of the incidents on the window. Someone put up a post-it right underneath it that says "Thunderdome!"

I also I have pretty insane desktop background that was actually sent to us by a client as a legit email stationary.

So I’m focusing on these positives. I mean, how am I supposed to keep a smile on my face after such epic bummers of the loss of so many icons this year? Michael Jackson? BILLY MAYS? PATRICK SWAYZE!?!? All I can really do is continue my quest to pickle my liver and mourn the end of my bitchin’ summer.

I guess I was mostly too poor to really take advantage of doing real stuff this summer. I did get to know the cheapest brands of vodka available: Crown Russe (hailing from Frankfort, KY! lulz), Takka, and Aristocrat if you were wondering. (Oh how I longed for the days before I maxed out my credit life and could afford blueberry vodka and lemonade! Even Popov!) I spent a lot of time crusin’ around, listening to Passion Pit (so much I can’t even explain to you), staying up late internetting and watching Arrested Development or Northern Exposure on DVD. You know. Mainly keeping it overall real.

I did complete a couple major life events: divorced and moved several times (from ex husband’s to Mom and Dad’s, to Fire Eagle’s, to my final resting spot with my bf). I’m actually kind of surprised I didn’t have a total meltdown, but I didn’t even really come close. Holding it together well for ruinin’ 8 years of a perfectly decent life. We’re thinking about maybe getting a dog, but I didn’t get married or have a baby. Hey, you know, year’s not up yet! I can collect them all!

I turned 26 on the beach this summer.

I impressed my boyfriend hardcore by losing my shoes in a late night drunken ocean swimming adventure and finding them 2 days later on the beach, climbing fences to hot tubs like I should have but never would have done in high school because I was such a prude, catching a soft little brown frog for funsies and letting him go...

and one of my life’s greatest achievements: with about 10 seconds of trying I renegaded a beer.

photo cred:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/chrismallo/3370051895/

For those of you unfamiliar with this practice, it's when someone truly incredible tips a can of beer, finds the soft spot, jams their thumb into it, tips the can up, pops the top and shotguns the beer. (Although I'll admit I'm not a beer drinker and I just did it on principle and passed it to one of the 4 guys who were trying and failing. We had a fridge full of beer with little thumbnail dents all along the bottom that night.)

On a final note, some cool people I know contriubute to this cool blog that they’re starting up called Overlooked Cincinnati. You should add it to your RSS because there’s more cool stuff comin’, and submit some overlooked stuff of your own.

Fun Summer Stuff

I know it's been a long time since I've updated. I have good reason though! The Mr. and I split up (no hard feelings, it's cool it's cool) and my life got a little turned upside down. I'm living with Fire Eagle now in a cool apartment in a cool part of the city, waiting tables, and spending a lot of time smoking hookah, drinking, walking around town, and generally loafing. It's pretty great so far! (I'll get a real job soon, guys)

Keepin' this blog light and summery and all of that, for now, here are 3 things that I am currently loving that I want to share with you.

(1) Jorts™ (cut-off jean shorts for the layperson) The key is to find the right width. Go shopping for jeans that are snug on the legs so they don't look too flowy when you do the cutting deed. Don't go shopping for shorts. They're always going to be too high school, too short, too dumb. That's not what the hipster kids want to see. When you get your snug cool jeans home, put them on and cut a little slit where you want them to be. A few inches above the knee is legit for girls and guys, but start long. You can always take a little off, but once they're cut they're cut! Take them off and cut a straight line very carefully. Fold them in half and cut in the same place on the other leg. Put them on, boom, instant shorts. All the comfort of jeans with room to breathe and you can ride your bike, unlike in a dress or skirt. Also, throw them in the washer and dryer and trim them up a little when they come out. No one looks cool in freshly cut jorts.

Tip! Dudes: buy girl jeans. Even if you make your girlfriend go to the register and act like they're hers.

(2) We made up this drink last night, out of desperation, and it turned out so good! Here's what you need.

A bottle of super cheap vodka. I prefer Popov.

Soda water

A lemon

Sugar

A microwave

Mix water and sugar up in a cup, 2 parts sugar to 1 part water. Microwave it and mix it up. (to dissolve the sugar) Boom, simple syrup. Ideally you'll do this before you're desperate because hot sugar melts your ice, duh.

Fill a cup with ice. Pour in vodka. As much as you can handle. I do about a 1/3 vodka, but that might be a little much for you amateurs. Add soda water to fill it the rest of the way, add some of that sugar syrup that you made earlier, and squeeze in some lemon. It's so tasty and light and low-cal! (as long as you go light on that sugar, boss) Better than diet tonic any day.

(3) Rock 'n Roll Tank Tops, as I call them are all the rage in the Me circle right now. My friends band THE LIONS RAMPANT *plug* gave me this awesome t-shirt but only had a men's medium left in black. I really wanted to wear it but it was way too big on me.

I started out by cutting off the bottom so it was just below my waist. You know, normal length. I wore it out once like that and my friend Josh said it was a little Seattle circa 1993, and I have to agree.

So I (probably didn't) invented the Rock 'N Roll tank top, which I have since used on another shirt and it turned out even better. (My camp shirt from 6th grade! Who keeps that crap? Me!)

So here's how you do this.

• Cut the bottom off to where it's comfortable for you. I'm not interested in a belly shirt but if you are, go for it. Don't worry about hemming the bottom because this is rock 'n roll.


• Use a seam ripper to rip off the sleeves and collar. Looks cooler this way. Just do it.


• Turn the shirt inside out and lay it down flat. Get another tank top that fits you pretty well and lay it on top of the shirt, centered. Use it as a guide for how wide you want your tank top to be.


• Use straight pins to pin up each side where you want to bring the fabric in so it's the same size as the tank top that already fits you. Cut off the excess fabric close to the pins.


• Use a whipstitch to close up each side of the tank top. Be careful not to sew up the arm holes and make sure it's about even on both sides.

There you have it, one sweet tank top. Should look about this awesome when you're done:

Hope you're enjoying your summer as much as I am so far, y'all.

When Will it End?

Lately, my friends and I have been talking a lot about how great our lives are, and it's true. Most of the people I spend time with are hilarious, kind, creative types who love to drink and dance and see live music. This is what keeps us connected. Most of my friends are not in serious long-term relationships, and most of the ones that are sort of drifted away into domestication while I continued to party in spite of my marital status. We don't have any kids or any dreams of having kids anytime soon. My husband and I love living our lives for ourselves (and each other) right now and just can't imagine what life would be like if we couldn't come and go as we pleased.

A friend of mine sent me a link to a blog today, simply saying "look at this prettiest prego lady ever". We went on and on about how beautiful this girl is and we glanced through the entries, looking at pictures from the blog. This blog is about one man, gorgeous preggo lady's husband, and the birth of his first biological child. I decided to go back to the first entry and read it from the beginning, as I often do with blogs that interest me. I just read this post which I felt summed up things for me right now quite well and I think my friends can appreciate.

Pacing the Panic Room

How to Stay Classy and Fashionable - in This Economy!

These are real life things, generally fueled by liquor, that my faceless friends and I have been rocking that were both free and fashionable. I'm callin' them Recessiories.

In the way of hats, we've got

The leftover from New Year's Eve top hat. Pictured here in cheapass plastic red.

Glued some bobby pins to the bottom of this tiny bowler, straight off the bottle of fancy gin.

The Chambord Cage Hat is really not recommended to be worn outside the kitchen. It's a little cumbersome and clumsy for partying, I'll admit.

As far as jewelry goes, there's:

While watching a Frank Zappa dvd with my buddy a while ago, I was inspired to make some wearable pasta jewelery. I think that's probably in the top 10 best sentences of this blog, so I won't elaborate. Anyway, I spray painted this pasta wheel for FE and the T-Rex for myself, strung 'em on a little black thread, took it to the dancefloor.

The Chambord Cage Hat was dismantled and turned into, first, this nose ring.

Then into a bracelet. Unfortunately, the effect of alcoholic milkshakes (yeah, I'll give you some recipes later, delicious) made us forget to document the bracelet. I grabbed this from a video of me drunkenly singing the hit N'Sync single "Bye, Bye, Bye". That kinda night. I also lost this on the dance floor at some point.

Headbandswise:

Onea those Jager girls gave my friend here a lanyard which he promptly tied on his head and started chanting "Rufio! Rufio!" But it's actually sort of adorable, right?

My ladyfriend, pictured here in a drunk sandwich, had a rooftop grill out featuring pipe cleaner headbands with feathers. One of these girls wore the pipe cleaner headband all night at the bar...and for once, it wasn't me. (I thought it was kind of competing with the awesomeness of my Michael Jackson belt buckle, but I digress)

And finally, we've come to my favorite item, the Chambelt™. This is what became of the Chambord cage after being cut apart. I put it on as a joke and ended up walking to the bar with it and wearing it all night, even receiving complements. It has that bonus heavyweight champion vibe, which I really enjoy, while also being classy at a glance but still overall liquor-related.

Just a Couple New Band Name Ideas For You

Mardi Gras in Buffalo

Overnight Bunions

By Request: Diet Tips from RB

Here’s how I’ve been living my life through the end of winter. Funds are getting kind of depleted from a long winter of slow house sales, and things are just now starting to pick up again with the warmth of spring around the corner. I know lots of people are going through some times…I’m no economist, but I know apocalyptic news stories when I see ‘em!

Here are my tried and true methods of surviving the tough times!

First off, don’t pass up any free professional events. I signed up for a professional seminar that was being held by my broker. I had to get up at 8am, which is a total bummer, but there was free pizza and soda for lunch. They got 40 pizzas for about 50 people, so I didn’t feel bad at all when I gorged myself. Somebody had to eat it, right? And stuff like this happens pretty frequently in real estate. Awards banquets, weekly meetings, open houses, they all have at least free coffee but often times all kinds of awesome free food and drink. If you go to one of those super classy open houses in a downtown loft or something they often even have free booze. The only problem with these events, which is why I don’t subscribe to this plan as much as I should, is that you have to actually socialize with co-workers and other agents. Being 25 in the real estate field, that’s about as fun as a Friday afternoon at Bob Evan’s. I think the same goes for most social events like art openings, usually free food and booze but often times the crowd leaves much to be desired. You gotta weigh the good with the bad though!

I find it most economical and novel to eat foods that are either meant as side dishes and/or childhood foods. Stuff like macaroni, tater tots, pizza rolls, and cereal are relatively cheap (so long as you’re buyin’ generic) and remind you of childhood and college in ways that make you all warm and fuzzy inside. Side dishes like rice and mashed potatoes are filling and cheap and provide as much calories as a meal if you eat the whole package. Mashed potatoes can also be more delicious with the addition of cheese and bacon if you happen to come into a windfall. Ramen noodles also get extra tasty if you take the packet it comes with, throw it in the garbage, and add parmesan, garlic, and Italian seasoning. Ayerwelcome. Childhood foods like fruit roll-ups, fruit snacks, cheese and/or peanut butter crackers, often come in small packages which is cool if you commit yourself to only eating one. Completely fun to eat if you’re easily amused, like myself. It all costs less than going to Skyline with everyone else for after-bar food.

I'll just put this one out there; stop smoking so much weed, hippie.

Crackers and water: not just for anorexics anymore. Eating a sleeve of crackers provides that convenient “I ate the whole thing” shame, only about 450 calories (depending on the type) and drinking water with them makes them swell up in your stomach. It’s pretty much perfect. I do it all the time! I’m doing it RIGHT NOW!

Get really involved in some sort of emotional turmoil to the point where you’re just sick over it and can’t eat. Whether it’s a new relationship, a big argument, getting fired, losing a loved one. Whatever it is, wallow and obsess! The pounds shall melt away! This works particularly well after a shame-filled Saturday night.

Stop being such an ungrateful dick and visit your family once in a while. I don’t know about you, but my mom practically force feeds me. The bigger your family is, the more opportunity there is for free food. You’re totally lucky if your parents divorced, in this case.

Acquire an insatiable roommate/boyfriend/girlfriend/couch surfer and never EVER write your name on anything, including leftovers. They will eat your food, which will keep you looking slim, and you might be able to convince them to replace it for something more expensive and delicious, like money in your pocket!

Abstain from working out, playing sports, or anything manual labor-wise. It just burns calories, which means you have to eat again. Don’t be a fool, dude.

If your friends ever ask you to volunteer to do something, do it. Usually they feel guilty enough for making you do something without pay that they will pay you in food and booze. This has worked for me in the way of being designated driver, helping someone shoot a music video (seriously, pizza and beer for dancing in front of a camera? I would have ASKED you to do that.), and theoretically I could have had some pizza and beer for helping friends move but I’m useless when it comes to lifting things. Also, that enters the arena of manual labor.

Lately there have been tons of coupons floating around the internet. I've ended up eating at T.G.I. Friday's and Ruby Tuesday's as a result. There's no shame in buy one get one free.

If you aren’t getting any thinner, start spending your money on other stuff like clothes. That’ll force you to figure this out.

I would add 'take up smoking', but depending on where you live and how fast you take to it, you could probably end up spending more on smokes than on food.

Lastly, THE most important rule to remember, if you forget all of the rest: If you are hungry, drink. I’m not talking about 8 glasses of water. I’m talking about, have a good friend lift you up for a boxed wine stand. Murder a bottle of Andre Champagne, the only ‘champagne’ too classy not to drink straight from the bottle (only $5.99 here!). Or the obvious choice, buy a 12 pack of PBR. It provides the calories and fills you up, and sometimes if you’re lucky there’s bonus vomiting at the end!

*This diet is in no way healthy, and you might die.