Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Tween Fanfic: Sort of Embarssing, Also Hilarious

Probably about a year ago, I was introduced to a hilarious piece of writing on McSweeny's that I had never seen before. It's written as a piece of Ashton Kutcher fan fiction in the voice of a 13 year old girl, (but actually written by Teddy Wayne) and it puts me in stitches every time I read it. If you haven't read it, do so here.

Today, while idly chatting with a friend she suggested that I write my own. I'm not ashamed to admit that I wrote an endless amount of crappy poetry, short stories, and diary entries from age 11 on and this is inspired by all of those things, along with Teddy's hilarious writing. I hope you, 4 hours later, I give you:

I Know That It's True

Not much happens in Springdale, Ohio. It’s pretty close to downtown Cincinnati, but not really close enough that your parents would drive you down there more than like 2 times a year for a Reds game or Oktoberfest something. Sometimes they might go to the zoo as well. The Cincinnati Zoo is actually one of the best in the nation.

Jade Darling spent most of her 12 years on the planet in Springdale and for a long time she had really liked Lance Bass of the popular boy band N*SYNC. He had a long face, without being horselike, with bright green eyes and spikey blonde hair with frosted tips. None of the guys at PJHS (Princeton Junior High School) could ever compare to him. Even though she had had a few boyfriends before, they turned out to be losers. One of them wouldn’t even meet her at her locker after class so she dumped him, even though a lot of people said that he dumped her in homeroom.

Jade always ate lunch at the cool table. Her best friend Theresa sat next to her and the other popular girls like Lindsay, Ali, the two Jessicas, and Jenny, sat around them. One day at lunch, Jade turned to Theresa and said:

“Wouldn’t it be phat if I actually got to meet Lance?” she asked.

“How would that ever happen, girl?” Theresa inquired, pulling at the scrunchie she always wore on her right wrist. (She was left-handed)

“The concert is coming up on Saturday”, Jade fired back. “I bet I could wait around by the tour bus to meet him. We would get along really well. I heard that he is into space too! Also, my family is from Hattiesburg, Mississippi and he is from Laurel. We have a lot in common actually.”

“I don’t know, Jade. Famous guys get to meet a lot of girls.” she doubted. “I don’t want to see you get hurt like you were with never getting a letter back from Jordan Catalano.”

It really stung Jade that her BFF would say that. A year ago to the day, Jade had written Jared Leto a letter. He played Jordan Catalano in the hit television series “My So-Called Life” which only lasted for one season, unfortunately. Since MSCL had gone off the air it was hard to find a fan mail address. He had never written her back, even though Jade spent a lot of time on the letter and it was a full 2 pages typed double spaced in 10 point font.

The rest of Jade’s school day was pretty boring. She was happy that it was Friday night because her and Theresa could go to the mall and get new outfits at Contempo Casuals for Saturday’s concert. When she got off the bus her mom was waiting for her by the door.

“Jade, this came in the mail for you this afternoon.” she said sing-songingly. “It looks pretty important because it is in a big envelope and says DO NOT BEND”.

She was right. The vanilla envelope had big red letters stamped on it and it was sent from L.A., California. Jade took it straight up to her room without even eating her snack of Milano cookies and Sparkling Cider that she usually ate after school.


Jade opened that little metal thing on the top very slow and deliberately. She pulled out the 8x10 glossy photo of Jared Leto in a very hot pose. Written on the photo was:

I am sorry that it took me so long to write you back. I have been working on a movie with Josh Jackson called Urban Legend. You are a very pretty girl judging from the 5x7 school photo that you sent and your boyfriend Reggie is very lucky to have you.

Jared Leto

Jade felt confused. On one hand, she was totally siked that Jared had finally written her back! She knew that he wasn’t just ignoring her because he was working on a really big movie that would turn out to be one of Jade’s faves. But Jared had mentioned her ex, Reggie in the letter. Jade had recalled with scorn that she had written about him in her letter to Jared because they were going together at the time. What a dumb idea that was! She hoped that one day she would be able to meet Jared and explain the situation. Jade told Theresa about her problems at the mall that night and Theresa made her feel alot better.

Jade’s mom told the girls she would pick them up that night from the mall at 9, when it closed. Jade’s beeper kept going off at 7, but the music was so loud in Contempo that she didn’t notice that her mom had paged her until she saw her standing by the huge glass doors with her face all red. “Where have you guys been!?” she yelled to them. “We were trying on clothes Mom,” Jade replied embarrassedly. “You were supposed to meet me here at 7!” she said, obviously confused that she had told Jade 9 earlier. “You are grounded from seeing N*SYNC tomorrow!” she shouted so everyone at the Cinnabon could hear.

That night Jade spent like 15 minutes trying to get in the Cincinnati 1 AOL chatroom where all of her friends were and spent hours talking to her friends and asking them for advice for how to get to the concert. No one had any good ideas and when she finally laid down on her bed it came to her. She would tell her mom she was going to the library to study!

The next night Jade told her mom that she had a big test in chemistry coming up on Monday and Theresa’s mom was going to pick her up to take her to the library. Her mom didn’t think twice about letter her go to the library! It was even warm enough on Saturday for Jade to wear her favorite spring dress to the concert. It was a halter which Jade was just recently aloud to start wearing. She wore a jacket, though, so she could hide the N*SYNC temporary tattoos she had strategically placed on her shoulder blades and she left the coat in Theresa’s mom’s car.

When they arrived at the First Star Arena, the guy taking their tickets was a lot younger then they expected, but still older at 16.

“You girls are probably the cutest ones I have seen since I have been working here this year. Those temporary tattoos are pretty pimp, and I like your dresses.” He flirted.

The girls tossed their hair confidently as they spoke to Jake, the ticket taking guy. Theresa’s mom had let them use her hot rollers and they both had perfect long curls that looked natural and weren’t all crunchy from too much hair spray. “We think you are cute too,” Jade said convincingly, even though he was just okay.

“I have some extra back stage passes,” Jake whispered. “I was going to give them to my sister but I want you to have them and have a good time. This security guy will escort you back.”


The jock security man in the yellow shirt that said “STAFF” and black cargo shorts took them to a very secluded area of the arena, down to the stage.

“Okay young ladies,” he barked “you can’t go past the wings. Do not go into the door over there either. Just stay here or you will be in big trouble.”

Jade and Theresa nodded their heads. They did not want to get in trouble for snooping and were amped that they would get to watch the whole show from the wings! Jade knew what wings were from her experience with drama club and explained to Theresa that it meant the sides of the stage where the curtains are and stuff.

After a while Jade wanted to be a rebel and go into the door with the star on it that said N*SYNC on it. Theresa was worried that they would get in trouble, but Jade was always getting away with doing things like that such as cutting school and skipping showers after gym.

They opened the door to the room and there were 5 mirrors with lightbulbs around them. Jade noticed a jean jacket with Lance’s name Bedazzled on the back and lifted it up to see it.

“OMG this is Lance’s stage jacket!” she whispered quietly to Theresa, who was looking at Justin’s bandana collection.

Theresa seemed to be in a daze. “Justin is so cute, rite?” she sighed, not even paying attention that all 5 of the band members were walking into the door.
They were both quiet and didn’t know what to say because they knew they were busted. Lance had a Bud Light beer in his hand and took the last drink and asked:

“What are you girls doing in our dressing room?”

Jade thought fast. “Oh, we were on our way to the ladies’ room and got lost. We were just using your mirrors to touch up our makeup. Our bads.”

“Well, since you guys are in here,” Justin bellowed “why don’t you play spin the bottle with us?” He took the bottle out of Lance’s hand.

“Well, we were going to play at a party tonight but I guess we can play now,” said Theresa to the curly-haired lead vocalist.

They all sat down in a circle on the dressing room floor. Jade started to regret her decision of not wearing the jacket she had left in Theresa’s mom’s car and it showed. Lance noticed her shiver and said “Do you want to wear my jacket?”, sweetly. Jade nodded her head nervously as he placed the very expensive denim jacket with rhinestone letters over her shoulders.

Justin took the first spin and it landed on Theresa. Theresa said “Hey guys, I still have to go to the bathroom first, can you show me where it is?” They showed her where it was and Jade followed her in because she could tell that Theresa was trippin.

“Theresa, why don’t you kiss Justin? He is really cute and seems pretty cool. I usually skip over his parts in interviews but from what I’ve read he’s really nice and he’s single.” Jade reassured Theresa. She looked right into her eyes when she said, “This is your chance to show all of the 8th graders that you’re not a freezer.”

“You’re right,” Theresa realized. “Let’s go back to the game!”

When they returned to the circle the boys were sitting there waiting. Theresa kissed Justin and they started holding hands. Then it was Lance’s turn to spin. The bottle landed on Jade! Lance brushed Jade’s hair aside and kissed her softly on the lips. As soon as they were done making out, a guy opened the door to the dressing room and said “Hey, you guys have to get on stage!” Jade began to slip Lance’s jean jacket off of her tanned shoulders and he said “No, you can keep it. I get hot on stage anyway.”

Theresa and Jade stood in the wings on stage right for the whole show and watched their new boyfriends perform. The very last song that they played was “(God Must Have Spent) A Little More Time on You”. During the line “And you changed my world with just one kiss” Jade could feel herself tearing up because she was so happy. At that moment, Lance brought her on stage and told her in front of everyone that he loved her! Jade could see Reggie in the nosebleeds with his new girlfriend and they both looked really jealous.

After the show, the guys changed into their normal clothes while Theresa and Jade waited in another dressing room. They seemed to be taking a really long time and they started getting worried that they were going to be ditched. Soon Lance and Justin came in. Lance looked very sexy in a pair of slightly oversized light blue overalls with a hole in the left knee that was there on purpose and a tight white t-shirt underneath. Justin wore a shell necklace with a short stop tee and jeans that fit him very well and they both looked really casual but still hot. Right behind them, in walked Jade and Theresa’s moms. Jade’s heart sank. She knew that her mom was going to be really pissed that she didn’t go to the library because she was grounded. Theresa’s mom came to pick them up and the guys had called Jade’s mom to come to the arena too so they could talk in person. Lance could see the panic on Jade’s face and put his arm around her and squeezed her shoulder caringly.

Theresa’s mom started “Jade, Theresa, Mrs. Darling and I have been talking to your boyfriends after their concert and have come to a decision.” Jade thought that her mom was probably going to send her to boarding school after all of the rebelling she had done.
Jade’s mom said, “I can see how much you love Lance so you are not in trouble for lying to me this time. We are going to let you get homeschooled by a tutor on their tour bus for the rest of their international tour. You guys have to get good grades, though, and you still have a curfew of 11pm. We’re going to call once a week to check on you and you better be behaving!” The two girls were stoked and hugged their moms, even though they didn’t do it very much. Their moms knew that this tour was going to be the bomb for both of them and it was really cool that they were aloud to go. Then they embraced their boyfriends who were both beaming. It was going to kind of suck to be away from their friends the school year plus summer, but they knew they were growing up and had to spread their wings and fly.


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