Friday, February 29, 2008

Pee-Wee Frogman

Happy leap day, kids!

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Thursday, February 28, 2008

Manditory Fun!

At work, HR has decided in recent months that there should be activies in which we are not required to participate, however strongely encouraged. The activities, I suppose, are supposed to boost morale and make me feel all warm and fuzzy about my job.

This time we're painting frogs. For leap day. Competing for I-HOP gift cards. GET IT?

See what happens tomorrow....

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Dusting off the Old Cell Phone

Here are some random pictures I've taken within the last few weeks on my cell phone for no particular reason! Weee!

The box my gum came in seemed to be telling me something.

This is pretty much what last Friday was like.

One of the offices that is near to the Super Duper Far Away Parking Lot That We Only Use When There is Nowhere to Park left this interesting note on my co-worker's car. The red circles are from where my boss started circling the gramatical oddities.

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Saturday, February 23, 2008


Last night was simultaneously incredibly fun and incredibly annoying. As usual, Fire Eagle got arty on my arm.

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Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Help With Your New Camera

Fire Eagle just got a really fly new Nikon. She hasn't quite figured out the subtleties yet.

So I made this handy chart for her so she knows which settings to use for certain situations.

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Saturday, February 16, 2008

Look What Just Came in the Mail!

(the corndog air freshner is for Uncle Whiteshorts. I haven't sent him a package in a while. I'll think of something good to toss in there too)

I can't wait to break this out at the mall or something. As awesome as these bacon wallets are, I know I've never seen one in public. Pictures don't really do it justice. It really *does* look like a slab of bacon.

I also have to recommend it - way more pockets than the scantron wallet!

I appologize for the recent lack of updates. I've been a little wrapped up in something new and something lovely and something lucrative. I'll be back soon with stupid stories!

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Thursday, February 14, 2008

In My Office Today

My co-worker's girlfriend sent her a sextet of tuxedoed men to sing 2 love songs to her. How embarassing and sweet.

Happy Valentine's Day!

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Monday, February 11, 2008

This Weekend's Tattoo Modifications

angry dinosaur face!

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Friday, February 8, 2008


A few months ago, a new guy started at work. During a meeting, he leaned over and asked my boss if he could borrow...

her chapstick.

Lucky for her, she didn't have any at the meeting and didn't have to have that awkward "Do you seriously want to use my chapstick?" moment. Today is Friday and we're all feeling a little slaphappy, so she left him a gift for monday on his desk.

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The People Have Spoken

Bacon wallet it is. I placed my order last night!

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Wednesday, February 6, 2008

What a Corndog is Like. In Hell.

Don't get me wrong, I love a great corndog. Right now I'm mighty fond of the Morningstar Farms fake meat variety. I've also been known to eat a regular corndog or two. I defended the mighty treat when Uncle Whiteshorts voiced his disdain for them. Why, I remember the summer of 2001 eating an incredibly overpriced corndog at Warped Tour and it being one of the most delicious meals of my life.

But the corndog has forever changed in my mind. While walking through the breakfast aisle at my local Kroger, I spotted something.

Jimmy Dean.


and Sausage.


With artificial blueberry flavor??!! How long has this been going on?

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Bumper Bowl makes the Best-Worst maps to help me and Fire Eagle find things. A couple weeks ago, I asked him to help me find the post office and he drew this map for me.

(Warning: BB has a filthy mouth)

FE and BB are taking a trip together this summer to Montreal, and she wanted directions. Here's what she got.

(Small print reads: unfortunately she gets pregnant. and then you're fucked. but the plus side is you get to move to montreal but then she leaves you for a much better looking guy, like that arcade fire fuck, and you end up lonely again and you can't speak french)

FE and I are going to New York this summer, so BB was kind enough to show us the way.

We're pretty sure that this service could help a lot of people who are tired of getting crappy directions from other websites. So if you need directions to somewhere, shoot me an email and let me know. BB should be back with you in a few short weeks. If not, just look it up somewhere else because he probably forgot about you.

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Tuesday, February 5, 2008

How To Embarass Your Boss: An Easy 2 Step Program

So, you say it's your boss's birthday? Here's a quick guide to how to be sure she's mortified for years to come.

Step one:
Take your boss to a restaurant. Any restaurant will do, but the best time to do it is around noon when there's plenty folks from the lunch crowd.
Step two:
Tell your waiter that it's the boss's birthday. Watch the magic happen. In this case, we brought her to a Mexican restaurant. First they start hooting and/or hollering from across the room.

Feel the shame?
Then a waiter (hope it's the most attractive one) puts a big silly sombrero on her head. All of the wait staff sings their own kooky version of happy birthday.
Sometimes, amazing things come along that you just can't account for. In our case, a very elderly man at the table next to us took note of all the gaiety. He walked over behind my boss and gave her that old man poke on the shoulder. As she turned to him, he slowly cupped her face, puckered cartoonishly, and went in for a kiss on the lips. I turned my head, not wanting to see the moment of contact. She claims that she moved down just in time and he kissed her nose. Because I turned away, I missed the precious moment. Here you can see the aftermath as Oldy Olterton waltzes away.
If you want your boss's birthday to be this much of a success, I suggest taking her to El Mediocre Grande Authentic Mexican Restaurante and Grille and planting yourself near this sly fox.

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Last week, I was on a friend's podcast talking about nothing in particular. My one of my tattoos came up.

We discussed the different ideas people have had about what it was: Pennsylvania, toast (x2), (when partially obscured) a molar, and some other wacky stuff, among one correct guess. Fire Eagle has also drawn on it twice to make it a kitten
and a reindeer.
My podcastin' friend asked his readers, in jest, to send in a picture of what they thought the tattoo looked like based on those descriptions. Someone took him up on the challenge.
Thanks, Brenton Matone, at least you got my sexy sexy stems correct.

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Monday, February 4, 2008

A Guide to Chicago Tourists: 1 Day in The City

If this car ride is going to take a while, might I recommend a Gigantic Ass Rockstar Energy Drink and some sweet shades? If you're wondering, I made it about 2/3 through the 24 ouncer.

If your GPS won't stay stuck to the windshield, find any hipster-approved device to hold it steady. Here, we're using a Chuck Taylor made of hemp +2 Indie Cred Points.

When you arrive, head straight to the Threadless store. They have computers set up where you can put your face on the mannequins in the window.

Across the street is a tasty Thai restaurant called Sura. These are the the vegetarian dumplings...I can't remember what they were called on the menu. Sura told us at the door it would be a 30 minute wait. We ate at the bar. When a couple came in behind us a minute later, they seated them right away. -2 Indie Cred Points.

After you've fueled up, it's time for a night of dancing at The Darkroom. I'd recommend developing a girlcrush on this young lady. Also, watch out for the serial voyeur who will take you picture and post them on the internet in between checking himself out in the mirror.

At the end of the night, write something completely illegible on your wrist area. In the morning, try to figure out what you were trying to tell yourself. Fire Eagle still doesn't know.
If you're looking to document day 2, my final recommendation is charging your camera.

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Thoughts about Murderin' and TV

I think it was probably engrained in me from childhood to love a good murder mystery. My mom was always reading true crime novels. There were always shows like 48 Hours or Unsolved Mysteries on TV.

Shows have become more and more realistic and gruesome since the 90s, when I was a kid. CSI is happening in 3 different cities, now. And after watching other shows I've realized that CSI is basically a complete fabrication anyway. Why are they doing all of the detective work? I have no idea. Where did they get the shoeprint database? Totally made it up. I'm playing CSI: Hard Evidence for Wii right now. (It may be better known as CSI:Point Your Wii Remote at the TV and Watch This Montage) It's nice that it's easy, though. I become impatient with harder games.

I'm not sure which came first, the murder mystery or the uniforms, but somewhere along the way I've taken a liking to uniforms. See: completely normal looking nice dude from Tennessee, Derrick Pendergrass, when in uniform he transforms to Super Foxx. I remember telling Fire Eagle once that walking through the airport is a strange experience. I find myself thinking "What the hell is up with all of these hot dudes? How could there possibly be this much of a concentration of hot dudes in one place?" They're called pilots. Otherwise known as regular dudes in awesome uniforms.

At work we've got this guy who's a consultant. He has dirty blonde hair in a vaguely 80s style and glasses that clearly haven't been replaced since the Regan administration. He likes to wear those knock-off Coogi sweaters and tight pleated khakis. We, the geniuses of data entry, call him Coogi Dahmer. Interesting though, that Jeffrey Dahmer is recognizable enough that we'd nickname a guy after a serial killer with a swell fashion sense. If, for some reason, you don't remember him here's a pretty good representation of how both Jeff and The Cooge look from The Smoking Gun.

It's all fun and games until one starts watching a show like The First 48. It's a true crime detective show that follows detectives as they work a case and bust bad guys. It has really given me a feel for how people commit murder, why, and how they can get away with it. I find myself in bed with the Mr. late at night discussing how we could commit the perfect murder.

"You'd have to burn the guy to get rid of the most evidence."

"But wouldn't the fire get a lot of attention? You have to do something more subtle."

"Well, how are we killing the guy anyway?"

"We need to figure out, first, who we want to kill and why."

"We could probably kill a homeless person pretty easily"

I'm not sure if this shift in more realistic crime shows is really great for anyone's psyche when I, a person who has no reason to murder someone, is musing about the pefect crime. (just in case)

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Friday, February 1, 2008

The Bacon Gods are Speaking to Me

I saw this on Woot! today - The Bacon Cheese Baconburger. I think it may be a sign.

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