Tuesday, December 30, 2008

New Year's Resolutions

As this year comes to a close, we’re all left thinking about how we spent it. There are some things we wish had happened differently, some things that still make us laugh to look back on, and some things we were too drunk to even remember but still cherish. I remember last New Year’s Eve well. My friends and I declared that 2008 would be the Year of Awesome. We did our best to make that happen. So many good things happened this year. I took road trips, spun records, celebrated birthdays, lost pounds, made beautiful new friends, became better friends, quit my job, got tattooed (again), visited New York, got my first brand new car, saw a ton of shows, took a week long cruise, danced to exhaustion, formed an amazing fake band, appreciated bottles of cheap champagne, elected a black president, and immortalized my friendship in a woven afghan. Sure, there were times that weren’t so awesome…a few times where liquor made me completely snap and loose my mind and say crazy things, relationships changed, feelings were hurt…but I’ve got to think that nothing completely awful happened to me. No car wrecks, no funerals to attend, no illness or broken bones, hung on to my house, hung on to the friends that matter, hung onto my sanity. 2008, overall, was one of the best years of my life. I feel like every year I’m a little wiser, a little more relaxed, and realize a bit more exactly what I’m looking for out of life.

For 2009, I resolve to maintain that trend. Here are the things I want to do:

Start writing in this blog again.

Not hold back.

Let people know how much I appreciate them every chance I have. You know, without getting creepy.

Make careful decisions.

Maintain minimal possessions. All a girl really needs is cute clothes anyway! THIS girl, at least.

Dwell on the good stuff if I’ve gotta dwell on something.

Do all the stuff I did in 2008 that was crazy-fun before I get too old for it.

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Thursday, November 6, 2008

At least use your windshield wipers, dude

On a brisk fall day, just a couple of weeks ago, I was out for work. The temperatures dropped pretty low for us up here for a few evenings, so a lot of the birds are doing their thang and heading to warmer climates. I came across a car I'd seen months and months before and this time had to take a picture.

It was parked on a street that only had one tree near the actual pavement for many blocks. You can actually see it in the background of the photo. The car was parked in roughly the same spot last time...not exactly. So it had definitely been driven. I guess they could park it under some sort of berry tree at work...

All I'm saying is that this person has clearly given up on life.


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Must be November 6th

Because this is the only candy left at the office.

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Thursday, October 2, 2008

Top 10 Reasons an Economic Crisis Actually Sort of Rules

10. It will be a lot better for the environment when no one can afford to drive or power their houses.

9. Everyone will remember what it's like to be in college again, when they had no money. (and getting drunk is still pretty cheap!)

8. We have a LOT of guns!

7. When the electricity is shut off, more fireside chats.

6. When the phone is shut off, no more political phone calls or telemarketers.

5. Time to read all the classic novels that I never wanted to when the cable is shut off.

4. We'll all start to trim down with all of the walking and not-eating we'll be doing.

3. Everything looks better by candlelight.

2. I have 3 cars, 2 of which are paid off, which means I've got places to sleep!

1. I like Raemen Noodles!

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Tuesday, September 2, 2008

An Open Letter to Gabriel Brother's

Dear Gabriel Brother's,

First off, I just want to say that I truly appreciate your low prices on modern designer clothing. I do have one small issue, though. I don't think that I'm alone here when I say that I believe with all of my heart that $4 is too much to charge for a bedazzled Y2K t-shirt. It is nearly 9 years beyond being relevant - regardless of the fact that it is partially composed of silk.

I promise this was taken today. On a rack of several.

Love you,
Rex Burner

PS - If you want us to call you "Gabe's" because you think that's hipper, why didn't you name yourself that to begin with? I'm not my mom and I'm not calling Gabriel Brother's "Gabe's" just like I'm not calling JC Penney "Penney's". It's only fair.

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Thursday, August 14, 2008

I Wish I had my Camera

I was driving home from Ikea today during rush hour. I was zoned out a little bit waiting for a long line of cars so that the truck in front of me could turn left.

The guy in the big rig in front of me hopped out because, I presume, he'd dropped something out the window. That's when I took note of his truck.

Where the license plate was supposed to be was a white license plate-sized piece of paper. On the top it said "(lost tag)" underneath that was the license plate number, and under that "Ohio". Somehow I'd forgotten both my camera and my cell phone so the event was unable to be documented. After lamenting my inability to share this sight, I noticed that the same information was written on the back door of the truck in black marker.

It's times like these I'm embarrassed to be a mid-westerner.

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Thursday, July 31, 2008

What the French toast?

Is it considered lucky to have unfertilized twins in your French toast? You know, like a four leaf clover but with two yolks?

Those two at the bottom came out of the same egg. I stuck a fork in to scramble them and double checked...they were totally attached.

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Monday, July 28, 2008

My Childhood Home

Lately....the past couple of months...I've been thinking a lot about the house I grew up in.

I'm not sure why. Maybe it's the fact that my brother got married again or that my dad is living in Canada at the moment. I pretty recently was tattooed with a design by my friend Julie with a memorial for my cousin who died, so perhaps I'm just reflecting. Maybe I just have growing up on the brain. Simpler times with no mortgage, no marriage, no responsibilities, and no money to count.

Being a real estate agent, I check to see if my childhood home is on the market with a relative frequency. I'd love to see what the inside looks like and if it went on the market I'd probably try to convince The Mister to buy it.

I wonder if the new family kept that horrible wallpaper I had in my bedroom. It must have been a nursery when we moved in. My room was too much of a wreck for me to ever let my dad in to paint it a suitable color for young girl (not a baby). I hope they didn't pull up the pink tiles my dad put down one-by-one in the upstairs bathroom. I remember laying on the floor, carpet tickling my nose, watching him put them down. He forgot that he had even done it until I reminded him at dinner a few weeks ago. The early 90's was a time where my dad felt comfortable with pink tile, I guess. The bathroom downstairs had a blue toilet and blue sink. The mirror that hung above the sink was in this awful gold frame. All of that was there when we moved in and there when we moved out. He even painted the downstairs of our bi-level blue and put a blue wash on the trim. In my adult mind, I assume this was to minimize the impact of the blue bathroom fixtures. Or maybe offset that, ah, stylish paneling?

The fireplace was the worst! There was this wooden eagle permanently glued onto the brick above the rough-hewn mantle. Once, when I was probably 8 or 10, I was standing on the hearth, just fooling around, and got a good grip on that eagle's foot and broke it right off. As much as my parents hated the thing, they just glued the foot right back on.

When we moved out, I was 14 I guess. Old enough to be happy to say goodbye to my 10x10 room for a teenage palace at our new house, but still old enough to be sad to leave the place that I had done most of my growing up in.

I've driven by a few times in the last 10+ years. They painted the garage door a much darker color. I noticed that the pink blinds were no longer in my bedroom, the blue not hanging in my brother's window either. The tree I planted in the side yard on arbor day, that was once a twig, is now a huge strong monster.

My stomach turned a little when I saw the garage door up and packed with boxes of junk to the ceiling.

Dad never would have let it get that way.

They chopped back the bushes I used as a club house and played in.

It's terribly embarrassing to admit that I teared up a little when I saw that the fence is falling down in the back yard. That fence was perfect when we lived there. It had to be to keep the dog in.

He died about 6 years ago...I guess that's what was so sad about that fence. I begged my dad for that dog.

But hey, they built a shed in the back - at least it looks nice.

Last time I drove by, one of my neighborhood friends was walking down the street with her two kids, I guess they were around 6 and a 3 or so. That was an odd feeling.

In my profession, I'm dealing with buying and selling houses everyday. I talk all the time about how silly it is for people to get emotional about a house. It's just sticks and bricks, we like to say. It's money in exchange for a place to lay your head at night. I whole-heartedly believe it every time I say it. A child's home though...growing up. Now that seems different. I spent nearly all of my formative years there. I helped raise our first puppy in that house. I stayed up drinking Kool-Aid and playing video games until Arsenio Hall came on in that house. (preferably in a tent, under a couch cushion fort, or on the pull-out couch bed) I cried about my first broken heart in that bedroom. I spent every summer on a new Slip-N-Slide in the backyard. I spent my entire elementary and junior high career with that stupid baby wallpaper and yellow stove and blue toilet.

I know not everyone has the privilege of staying in one place most of their lives. Of those who do, I wonder how they feel about the house they grew up in. I wonder how I'll feel 50 years from now about it.

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Thursday, June 5, 2008

On My Way to New York

What's a bitch gotta do to get a Nylon around here? A gauntlet of confusing pilot hotties, men looking to take advantage of a fly young lone traveler such as myself, a lady w/ an eye patch and surprisingly pirate-y voice and 4 different newsstands, that's what!

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Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Wii Fit

If you're into that kind of thing I'm blogging over at WiiMuscles about it!


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Friday, May 9, 2008

The Hazzards of Working Outside of the Office

I've been out of my cubicle and working from 'home' (and often on the road) for the last 3 weeks. In that 3 weeks, I would have sworn that I was becoming clumsier. I've come to realize, though, that all of my recent incidents can probably all be explained by the fact that I'm not longer sitting on my rear for 8+ hours a day. In addition to the 2 mystery bruises, one on my upper thigh and one on my calf, cause unknown, I've had 3 on-the job injuries all this week.

A. While searching for a 3-hole punch I knocked over a metal box of ammunition on the floor directly onto my foot. (you can thank the mister for leaving those little land mines all over the house) It was dented in for a day and now is a healthy shade of purple.
B. I was walking up the stairs, reason unknown, and completely tripped up them getting these 2 piggies caught under the lip of the step.
C. While vacuuming under the couch cushions, I picked up the little vacuum from the hose. The hose popped out and it dropped from about 2 feet directly onto my foot.
D. is a bonus injury that happened about a month ago. I pinched a nerve in my back which is still causing random numbness and pain down my leg and up to piggies featured in B.
Let this be a warning. But I have to admit, it's a small price to pay for an awesome job.

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Monday, May 5, 2008

What We Eat in the Midwest

In northern Kentucky, for a mere $4.25, one can order a GLT. A goetta, lettuce, tomato, and mayonaise double decker on toast with potato chips.

For those of you who don't know, goetta is basically like a fried meaty oatmeal.
It was as good as it sounded at 4:30 am. At 9am, however, I nearly horked at the thought of it.

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Thursday, April 24, 2008

Nightime Reading Suggestions

Lately the Mister has been on some sort of self-defense kick. I'm not sure what started it, but he has amassed a healthy collection of guns and ammunition in the last few months. He twisted my arm into taking a concealed carry class with him a month or so ago. (Yeah, I now have a License to Kill™) I don't like carrying the gun, but we have compromised for some sort of pepper spray that would put down an elephant.

Most days he'll lie down for a nap or maybe before going to bed and read a book. It's usually some fantasy or sci-fi book. I thought things might be going too far when I passed the bedroom and saw him snugged up with this book and later found it resting on my side of the bed (when I snapped this):

That sexy black and orange 70's design and clip art tipped me off that it was probably some kind of self defense book. This on is the manual that came with his kubaton, Official Kubaton Techniques.

It's one of these things that you see ladies carrying on their key chain. You're supposed to jab it into sensitive parts of the body when being attached. Ahhh makes me want to drift into a peaceful rest just thinking about it!

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Friday, April 18, 2008

A Great Companion to Any Bacon Wallet

from boingbong

Sooooooo can I borrow $68?

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Tuesday, April 15, 2008

An Open Letter to The Chinese

Dear Chinese,
I'm writing to ask you to please be more aware of your so-called 'fortunes' in your delicious cookies. Today I received advice, albeit useful, rather than a fortune from my cookie. It read as follows:

Find release from your cares, have a good time.

This fortune could have been salvaged with a simple addition of the phrase "You will" or "You will not". It's not hard. I am asking for a case, or more, of fortune cookies in damages, all with real fortunes. I thank you in advance for your co-operation.

Truly, Truly Yours,
Rex Burner

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Thursday, April 10, 2008

Devendra is dating Natalie?

Fire Eagle: how is he straight?
Rex: maybe he doesn't limit himself to chosing a sexuality
Fire Eagle: he has transcended gender and species. he is omnisexual
Rex: he's above all of us

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Wednesday, April 9, 2008

It's a Small World

Bumper Bowl: do you remember Leach*?

Rex: ...no

BB: well, i got this email from him...

"hey man whats up... I finished school in salt lake a couple weeks ago and started a job at this company in blue ash called ____...apparently you know someone who works here, because during the orientation process walking around, i saw you in a picture with some girl that works here...but she wasn't here so I'm unsure of her name... but apparently Bosslady works here too..."

BB: you have a picture of me up??
BB: *tear

Rex: hahah
Rex: yes
Rex: ha Bosslady says he came over here the other day like "i know that guy!" and she was like "that's like, her best friend"

BB: yesssssssss

Rex: she asked how he knew you and he was like 'some radion station i listen to' and she picked up her mug like 'oh THIS radio station?'

BB: hahaha, that's hilarious

Rex: heck yes it is
Rex: does he know who i am now?

BB: i don't know. i didn't email him back yet.

Rex: email him back "turn around" and then come over here and stand by his desk

BB: hahaha, i'm not that quick. unless i come over there and THEN email him "turn around" from your desk.

Rex: ok let's do that

BB: ok! be right there!

Rex: ok!!1

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Friday, April 4, 2008


Joey: I am clearly the best dressed one here. Why is everyone standing so far away from me?
Jordan: I looooove photoshoots you guyssss!
Donnie: Do you think Dwayne Wayne was the right 'look'?
Danny: Uuuuuhhhhh
Jordan: You're workin' it Donnie!
Danny: UUUUUHHhhhhh
Jonathan: Number one. We're number one? God's number one? Is this too Christian a hand gesture?
Danny: UUUHhhhh ah...Dude?
Jonathan:Maybe I shouldn't have worn my church shoes with these pants.
Jordan: OK! Sexy stare!
Jonathan: Vest over t-shirt makes it casual.
Joey: Maybe I shouldn't be making these kind of career decisions at 13.

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The Reunion Tour I'm Anxiously Awaiting

When I was 16, I was mildly obsessed with Joey McIntrye. To the point where I was writing haikus about it in my English class. I was pretty sheltered and wasn't allowed to go to any concerts until this age. My first show ever was Joey at Bogart's in Cincinnati with my boyfriend at the time. I was basically the biggest nerd ever.

Rex: new kids on the block on today show video F YES
Fire Eagle: hehehehe
Rex: *sweating*
Rex: omfg, nkotb recorded a new album
Fire Eagle: why?
Fire Eagle: :-P
Fire Eagle: hahahaha good answer!
Rex: i'm joey's popsicle. from the very first time he met me, i captured him.
Rex: yeah. i said it. look it up.
Fire Eagle: i don't even know what those words mean

You're my pop-si-cle!
From the very first time I met you, Girl, you captured me
You're my pop-si-cle!
All I know is that you make me feel so fancyfree.

Fire Eagle: "fancyfree"? GAY
Rex: he was 13!
Rex: i made him feel fancyfree and he didn't know how else to describe it!
Fire Eagle: as a 6 year old?!
Fire Eagle: GROSS
Rex: actually i was 2. sooooooooo
Fire Eagle: :-/

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Thursday, April 3, 2008

Officer Friendly

Officer Friendly
Originally uploaded by Dunny
Remember when I went to Chicago?

Well, this handsome and nice fellow took a picture of us at the Threadless gallery. I believe it was this guy, Paul, whose flickr I came across when looking at other Threadless related what-have-you-ry.

I didn't want to bother him by asking if he was the one who took it and/or if he could hook it up with a copy. I stop by his flickr every few weeks or so to see if he has posted them, or just to see if he has anything new because he is a pretty amazing photographer. Today I saw this and just HAD to post it.

He says:
"a couple of weeks ago this Officer stopped us and asked if we could take his photo... later on in convo we found out the photo was for his eharmony profile! So come on ladies hes single and looking! I need to find him again to give the photo to him. Oh and his only request for the photo besides making him look good was he wanted the coffee in the shot.. and his wish was my command.

Lets find him a date shall we?! "


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Band Name Ideas

A boring email chain from work:

Support Guy:

See below..this company says they are getting bids sent to them as a result from being on some jobs. I was unable to find the Hero’s park job and on the Settler’s park job, I didn’t see them listed. Would someone in the plan room know where else they may be listed?

My Bosslady Responds:

I found Heros and Settlers in Idaho. Hero is 721552 and bid 3/31. Settler is 721539 and bid 4/2.

I reply to Bosslady:

Heros and Settlers in Idaho

Best band name eva!

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Moms Relay the Important Information

So my mom called me yesterday like

"Are you at home?"

and I was like


and she goes

"New Kids on the Block are about to be on Entertainment Tonight!!!"

Sometimes my mom is precious.

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Thursday, March 20, 2008

Missed Connection: Cross Your Fingers

Another possibility in my long-sought search for anonymous admiration.

Last night I was sitting at a table of friends at karaoke, drinking and eating and just minding my own. When a guy in a trench coat (!) with a ponytail (!!) in public (not a d&d convention !!!) (did not appear to be carrying a large firearm!!!!) takes notice of me.

He gives me one of those awkward grandiose nerdboy points, riiiight at me, and says "Would YOU like to sing this with me?" I laugh and ask what he's singing. He says "James Brown!". I ask what song. I can't remember what he said then. Whatever he said, I was going to say I didn't know the song....but I really didn't. He sauntered over to the mic and sang the song alone, not seeming terribly defeated.

He was seated on the other side of the bar the rest of the evening, so he didn't see me leave.

That was kind of mysterious of me, right? Right?

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Wednesday, March 19, 2008

A Review of Frightened Rabbit

A: So which 3 songs are the trifecta of Frightened Rabbit awesome?
B: Head Rolls Off > My Backwards Walk > Keep Yourself Warm
A: Ok. First listen. HERE I GO
B: Thoughts so far?
A: Person B. Holy shit. Frightened Rabbit just had make-up sex with my ears.
B: BAHAHAHAHA I know. They are fucking amazing me right now.
A: It's like all sorts of awesome and painful and confusing and like amazing. Make up sex!
B: OMG exactly!
A: You win! I don't know what, but you just totally owned something! I seriously didn't do anything during those three songs. I turned up the volume and sat here. I probably would have totally dismissed it the first time if I didin't really really listen
B: Yeah, I know what you mean. They need to settle.
A: Person C told me that she was just kind of like 'whatever' the first time, so I tried to prevent that. I'm a little afraid of listen 2 now - I might asplode!
B: This whole album is really fucking good.

So, if you're so inclined, perhaps you should check them out.

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22 More Days

I put my notice in at my job, and I have 22 days and some change left. I've worked here for almost 2 years. I have nice co-workers who mostly keep to themselves, a boss who lets us work independently, I can make my own hours, I get paid more than I'm worth, and work is slow-paced and I have a lot of time for screwing around. All I have to do is sit here at the computer, answer a few emails, convert a few files, and hang out.

Am I a fool?

I hope not.

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Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Missed Connection Missed Opportunity

As you may have read in earlier posts, 2008 is going to be the year that someone posts a legitimate missed connection about me. I can feel it! I've also set this goal for myself...and I don't like to leave things unfinished.

Two nights ago I had the perfect opportunity to leave things lingering and totally choked. I'm really bad at being mysterious when it comes to random undesirables hitting on me out of nowhere.

As I do on most Sundays, as of late, I was spending time with a small group of friends at a very low key bar. There were probably only 15 patrons total in the main bar area. I approached the bartender and ordered a PBR and a vodka tonic. (big girl drink for me, PBR for my friend who was djing and could not get to the bar himself) The guy sitting at the bar next to where I placed my order strikes up (awkward) conversation with me.

Guy: Vodka tonic, huh?
Me: Yep!
Guy: My name is Guy*, by the way.
Me: My name is Rex.

I shook his hand because he offered it. It was awkward. How can you say "by the way" when you weren't actually already in conversation?

Guy: So who are you here with?
Me: That group of people over there. (as I gesture to the other part of the bar)

At this point, the short wait for my drink has become painful. My drink comes and Guy is drunkenly (at least I hope he was drunk) trying to ask me something. I'm unsure of what he's saying and I squeeze my lime and ask him what he's talking about.

Guy: I was just going to ask you why you were here alone.
Me: I'm not....I'm here with all of those people....

He turned to his friend for a moment and I took it as an opportunity to get out. No goodbye, no nice to meet you, no 'look me up on craigslist sometime'. Eff!

*actually it was Jason.

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Thursday, March 13, 2008

Men's Branding

Fire Eagle: i'm drinking Tiger Woods-branded Gato aid
FE: it's pretty good
FE: limey
Rex: ....is it a Tiger Woods flavor? or is he just generally promoting gatorade?
FE: it's called T/GER....but imagine the / is a lightning bolt
Rex: OoOoO
Rex: i like roarin' lime better.
FE: me too

a few minutes later

FE: oh i just noticed the TWG™ is called "cool fusion™" not "Roarin' LIME"
Rex: wow. it's like they took all the stupidy dude-y words they use to describe products geared towards men with regards to sports drinks, shaving cream, and deodorant, put them in a bag and picked out two.
Rex: it could have just has easily been called WAVE RUSH
FE: lollll
FE: omg you should work in branding
FE: see what you could get away with
Rex: summer? i'm rethinking that
Rex: oh NICE
Rex: +10 for use of xtreme with no e
FE: thx!
Rex: i particularly like 'wave'.
FE: indeed

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Scenester Bingo

For quite some time, there's been a version of 'Hipster Bingo' floating around the intertubes. When I first saw it, I made 3 Cincinnati-specific 'Scene It?' bingo cards. (Stemming from the times when Fire Eagle and I pretend to be pretentious and talk about how we've already seen everything there is to see. For example: normal person asks: "Did you get a chance to see The Changes when they were in town?" scnester responds: "Oh yeah, I've sceeeeene them a million times now.")

For your bingo playing pleasure, here's the best of the two cards mashed together to be most universal.

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Ghost Seeks Beer

A few years ago, at my previous job working for an architect, I came across something odd in a picture. I was doing some CAD drawings and using photographs for reference. The building I was drawing is a run-down brewery downtown which my old boss purchased.

I saw something strange in the photo.

Here's a closer look.

I showed it to my co-worker. I convinced him that I did not Photoshop it, which is the truth. He thought it was strange too and tended to believe that whatever it was, it was definitely part of the picture. (Not a Photoshop or some sort of anomaly in the film)

The bossman took a look at it and didn't seem phased. At first he thought it was just the shadow of someone, but I showed him how that wasn't really possible from the poisition of the shadow. He didn't speculate on a Photoshop theory, but essentially shrugged his shoulders.

Fellow frequent Photoshoppers I've shown this to tend to think that it is some sort of manipulation. I won't offer any opinion on the matter, just the facts. I found the photo this way, I did not manipulate it, and no one that I worked with at the time had manipulated it or knew anything about it, including bossman. The photo was a couple years old, however, and folks had come and gone from the firm. A previous worker could have easily done this.

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Unintentionally Dirty Internt Happy Hour

screencapture from cincinnati.com

Well. That's gross.

This is from a pop-up that kept coming up trying to make me enter into some lottery.

But, you know, that's what she said!

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Saturday, March 8, 2008

SXSW 2008

If you're interested, a couple of my friends are heading to the event and are blogeriffic about it.



Although no-one has actually made it there yet !

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My Snow Day

This morning I woke up to approximately 69 more inches of snow than had fallen during the day yesterday. Coming to a grand total of A Freakin' Lot".

I half-assedly started taking some documentative pictures. That's right, documentative.

Driveway and stuff through the window. Realizing that the Mr. has apparently stopped shoveling and made an escape.

Here comes some douche in a truck...

I opened up the back door to take the obligatory Table Covered In Snow picture. I tried to usher out the dogs.

This one's like "Um. No. Seriously no." (Hi dried up snow and salt on the wood floors!)

I felt for this one...he might get lost out there. Note: Backing his ears in dismay.

This one would rather bring out ALL of her toys then look at me sheepishly, as if she didn't mean it.

Well, screw this. I'm sweat pantsin' and robin' it all day.

Ah, the Mr. has returned with food, juuuuuust in time.

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Thursday, March 6, 2008

The Story I've Never Told Until Now

I'm really not a person who likes attention. Sometimes, I invent things that become main stream and I just let it slide. People can claim that it was groupthink, or whatever they like, but I've created a lot of things that are now mainstream that are not attributed to any one creator. I don't mind staying out of the spotlight. One thing really burns my brownies, though.

Growing up, I had this amazing little dog - Bobby. He was a inbred chihuahua with a head so big it nearly drug the floor when he walked. He had this quirky thing...when he ran and tried to hold up the huge melon, it would bounce up and down. People would always comment on it.

Bobby loved to ride on my dashboard. He wanted to see out the windows, but would grow so tired that his head would fall....he'd raise it up to see...he's start to fall back asleep. It kept repeating.

Bobby lived a long life, but perished in my youth. I wanted to immortalize him in some way. I created a plastic mold of Bobby and separated the head from the body with a spring. I put "Little Bobby" on my dashboard, just where the real thing used to sit when I drove.

My best friend, at the time, would always comment how I should sell them commercially. She thought that they had universal appeal. I tried to explain that Bobby was one-of-a-kind and no one would want a plastic dog with a weak neck.

Before I knew it, she had a patent for "Bobble Heads", a true bastardization of my dog's name. It started with Chihuahuas, but it has grown into baseball players, Sea Monkeys, Pee-wee Herman, Ozzy Osbourne...basically anything with a head.

I don't want your sympathy. I wish no ill-will of my old friend who stole my meager invention. All I really want is my dog back. Because I can't have him back, in the memory of Bobby Burner, I implore you, please boycott these versions of the original. If you must, only buy the light brown chihuahuas in Bobby's memory.*


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Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Last Day to Register to Vote

....and I made it!

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Monday, March 3, 2008

Rollerbladers in the Office Parking Lot

Rex: the most amazing thing ever just happend.
Rex: there are these boys rollerblading in our parking lot, right next to my car.
Rex: i gave sharon my alarm key so she could set it off when they got near the car to fuck with them. which she did. then popped the trunk.
Rex: and i had to take the walk of shame outside to shut it.
Rex: embarassing but hilarious
Bumper Bowl: hehehe that's great
Rex: it was especially funny that this whole side of the building was watching it go down.
B. B. : did the rollerbladers say anything to you?
B. B. : were they catcalling at you?!?!
Rex: i heard them talking but they didn't say anything directly to me. when i came back in my co-workers said they were saying something but they didn't say what.
Rex: PF i wish!
Rex: i covet a good cat-call
Rex: i'm hearing now that, apparently, one of the boys said "shake your booty" to me while i was out there.
B. B. : AWWW and you missed that opportunity!?!!?
Rex: i know :(
Rex: you know i can't resist shaking it for teenagers. :(
B. B. : that's probably the weirdest thing you've ever said to me
Rex: why do you always have to make me feel bad for the things i can't change?


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Saturday, March 1, 2008

Revisiting Childhood Through a Movie

This afternoon I came home from a few hours of shopping (I know, I know, pity me and my new flat iron) to plop down on the couch and rest my feet. I idly started painting my nails and turned on the tv for some noise. I stumbled onto a movie channel and Dirty Dancing was just beginning.

This was one of my favorite movies from childhood. It was easy for me to put myself in Baby's position. While my dad wasn't a doctor, I got pretty much everything I wanted and was quite sheltered. (I mean, I recently discovered that some kids got those awful fruit 'Huggie' things while I had delicious Ecto-Coolers) I longed for some bad boy with tight jeans and a flowy mullet to take a liking to me and teach me The Lambada: Forbidden Dance of Love. I've always loved dancing, for as long as I can remember, and I always wished I knew how to do these dances and had a partner, other than my dog, to do them with. I was pretty sure that this would happen during one of the 2 summers I went to camp for a week.

I didn't expect many surprises...even though the last time I saw the movie I was probably 10 years old. (Right at that age where I started to realize that these sweaty kids were getting DOWN and that maybe I shouldn't be watching this with my mom sitting next to me on the couch) I couldn't really remember the plot...just that for some reason Johnny has to teach Baby how to dance and they totally fall in love.

But in case you were thinking about revisiting it yourself and haven't seen it a while, I'll sum up my recent observations.

-This movie is soooo contrived.
-Apparently this is set in the 60's...but...80's style.
-Was there always this much dry-humping?
-What exactly happened with that girls abortion that made her sweaty, again?
-Why is everyone in this movie in their 30's? Aren't they supposed to be teenagers?
-Do Baby and Johnny ever actually talk...or do they just fall in love dancing?
-People are ALWAYS gazing at each other uncomfortably long in this movie.
-Did I seriously think Patrick Swayze was hot?
-How is it possible that I practically want to cry at the end when they do the lift, still?

I highly recommend revisiting it.

In a somewhat related note, did I ever tell you that Bumper Bowl was in a movie with Patrick Swayze? I swear. He played his step-son.

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Friday, February 29, 2008

Pee-Wee Frogman

Happy leap day, kids!

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Thursday, February 28, 2008

Manditory Fun!

At work, HR has decided in recent months that there should be activies in which we are not required to participate, however strongely encouraged. The activities, I suppose, are supposed to boost morale and make me feel all warm and fuzzy about my job.

This time we're painting frogs. For leap day. Competing for I-HOP gift cards. GET IT?

See what happens tomorrow....

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Dusting off the Old Cell Phone

Here are some random pictures I've taken within the last few weeks on my cell phone for no particular reason! Weee!

The box my gum came in seemed to be telling me something.

This is pretty much what last Friday was like.

One of the offices that is near to the Super Duper Far Away Parking Lot That We Only Use When There is Nowhere to Park left this interesting note on my co-worker's car. The red circles are from where my boss started circling the gramatical oddities.

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Saturday, February 23, 2008


Last night was simultaneously incredibly fun and incredibly annoying. As usual, Fire Eagle got arty on my arm.

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Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Help With Your New Camera

Fire Eagle just got a really fly new Nikon. She hasn't quite figured out the subtleties yet.

So I made this handy chart for her so she knows which settings to use for certain situations.

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Saturday, February 16, 2008

Look What Just Came in the Mail!

(the corndog air freshner is for Uncle Whiteshorts. I haven't sent him a package in a while. I'll think of something good to toss in there too)

I can't wait to break this out at the mall or something. As awesome as these bacon wallets are, I know I've never seen one in public. Pictures don't really do it justice. It really *does* look like a slab of bacon.

I also have to recommend it - way more pockets than the scantron wallet!

I appologize for the recent lack of updates. I've been a little wrapped up in something new and something lovely and something lucrative. I'll be back soon with stupid stories!

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Thursday, February 14, 2008

In My Office Today

My co-worker's girlfriend sent her a sextet of tuxedoed men to sing 2 love songs to her. How embarassing and sweet.

Happy Valentine's Day!

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Monday, February 11, 2008

This Weekend's Tattoo Modifications

angry dinosaur face!

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Friday, February 8, 2008


A few months ago, a new guy started at work. During a meeting, he leaned over and asked my boss if he could borrow...

her chapstick.

Lucky for her, she didn't have any at the meeting and didn't have to have that awkward "Do you seriously want to use my chapstick?" moment. Today is Friday and we're all feeling a little slaphappy, so she left him a gift for monday on his desk.

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The People Have Spoken

Bacon wallet it is. I placed my order last night!

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Wednesday, February 6, 2008

What a Corndog is Like. In Hell.

Don't get me wrong, I love a great corndog. Right now I'm mighty fond of the Morningstar Farms fake meat variety. I've also been known to eat a regular corndog or two. I defended the mighty treat when Uncle Whiteshorts voiced his disdain for them. Why, I remember the summer of 2001 eating an incredibly overpriced corndog at Warped Tour and it being one of the most delicious meals of my life.

But today...today the corndog has forever changed in my mind. While walking through the breakfast aisle at my local Kroger, I spotted something.

Jimmy Dean.


and Sausage.


With artificial blueberry flavor??!! How long has this been going on?

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Bumper Bowl makes the Best-Worst maps to help me and Fire Eagle find things. A couple weeks ago, I asked him to help me find the post office and he drew this map for me.

(Warning: BB has a filthy mouth)

FE and BB are taking a trip together this summer to Montreal, and she wanted directions. Here's what she got.

(Small print reads: unfortunately she gets pregnant. and then you're fucked. but the plus side is you get to move to montreal but then she leaves you for a much better looking guy, like that arcade fire fuck, and you end up lonely again and you can't speak french)

FE and I are going to New York this summer, so BB was kind enough to show us the way.

We're pretty sure that this service could help a lot of people who are tired of getting crappy directions from other websites. So if you need directions to somewhere, shoot me an email and let me know. BB should be back with you in a few short weeks. If not, just look it up somewhere else because he probably forgot about you.

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Tuesday, February 5, 2008

How To Embarass Your Boss: An Easy 2 Step Program

So, you say it's your boss's birthday? Here's a quick guide to how to be sure she's mortified for years to come.

Step one:
Take your boss to a restaurant. Any restaurant will do, but the best time to do it is around noon when there's plenty folks from the lunch crowd.
Step two:
Tell your waiter that it's the boss's birthday. Watch the magic happen. In this case, we brought her to a Mexican restaurant. First they start hooting and/or hollering from across the room.

Feel the shame?
Then a waiter (hope it's the most attractive one) puts a big silly sombrero on her head. All of the wait staff sings their own kooky version of happy birthday.
Sometimes, amazing things come along that you just can't account for. In our case, a very elderly man at the table next to us took note of all the gaiety. He walked over behind my boss and gave her that old man poke on the shoulder. As she turned to him, he slowly cupped her face, puckered cartoonishly, and went in for a kiss on the lips. I turned my head, not wanting to see the moment of contact. She claims that she moved down just in time and he kissed her nose. Because I turned away, I missed the precious moment. Here you can see the aftermath as Oldy Olterton waltzes away.
If you want your boss's birthday to be this much of a success, I suggest taking her to El Mediocre Grande Authentic Mexican Restaurante and Grille and planting yourself near this sly fox.

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Last week, I was on a friend's podcast talking about nothing in particular. My one of my tattoos came up.

We discussed the different ideas people have had about what it was: Pennsylvania, toast (x2), (when partially obscured) a molar, and some other wacky stuff, among one correct guess. Fire Eagle has also drawn on it twice to make it a kitten
and a reindeer.
My podcastin' friend asked his readers, in jest, to send in a picture of what they thought the tattoo looked like based on those descriptions. Someone took him up on the challenge.
Thanks, Brenton Matone, at least you got my sexy sexy stems correct.

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