Thursday, January 31, 2008


I've had this Scantron wallet for a while.

I bought it in a boutique in Chicago, called Penelope's, a couple of years ago. It has served me well and is still in great shape. It's a conversation starter. People seem to like to reminisce about their old school days and test-taking.

Not too long ago, my friend Bumper Bowl told me about The Sneeze. It's one of those blogs that I'd read a bunch of entries from. They'd been linked on one of my daily blog checks or Digg or something but I'd never explored the rest of the blog until recently. (If you're a first timer, might I recommend "How To Draw a Face"?) From time to time, Steve from The Sneeze will talk about Bacon wallets from Archie McPhee. Archie McPhee is this crazy awesome site that sells lots of crazy awesome stuff. (and they create all of it.) When I first saw the bacon wallet some time ago, I thought it was most excellent. At the time I didn't have a need for a new wallet but I decided to keep it in mind. Of course, I didn't do that, and was reminded by Steve's blog. Now I really covet one. It's up to you to decide readers. Which is more awesome: Bacon: the Candy of Meats, or Scantron: The Great Uniter? Poll can be found on the sidebar over there.

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Tuesday, January 29, 2008


Dear Kylie:


I guess you really showed up me in the 2nd and 3rd grade.

Little late though, don't you think?


PS- I wish you could see the rest of that dress on the right. The floral you see as a cropped jacket with poofy short sleeves, over the fitted black top half. The bottom was a huge poofy floral knee length skirt that matched the jacket. I wore this with black ballet flats, if you were wondering.

PPS- Yes, the photo on the left DOES feature Hammer Pants™

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Public Humiliation: Operation Hot Sauce

This afternoon, my office manager instant messaged my co-worker. It went something like this:

OM: is Rex in the office today?
CW: yes, she's right here.
OM: does she have a bottle of hot sauce in the kitchen?

CW asks me, I say yes.

OM: did she let Office Jerkhole* use it?

of course, I hadn't.

OM: well it's sitting on the counter in the break room next to his pot of chili.

So - I got involved.

REX: what a jerk. stealing my hot sauce.
OM: totally
OM: do you want me to say something to him>?
REX: who is it?
OM: well, Office Jerkhole made the soup
OM: I don't know who took the sauce, but it is sitting on the counter in the small kitchen by the soup pot
REX: well, i like Office Jerkhole and all, but that's kind of a jerk thing to do
OM: with your name clearly written on it
REX: i don't wanna start any trouble or anything. but if you want you're welcome to say something to the culprit
OM: ok
OM: how full was it?
REX: i'm not sure...not totally full. maybe like 1/4 full
OM: ok, it's at about half right now i would say
OM: i will say something to him for sure

A few minutes later, she came over with the bottle. My name is admittedly gimongus on it, written twice, the entire height and width of the label. She says the conversation went something like this.

OM approaches OJh who is on the phone.

OM, noting the headset: "Are you on the phone?"
OJh: "Yes, I'm doing a demonstration. Do you need something?"
OM: I need to talk to you about this. *Presents bottle of delicious wing sauce, meant for my lips only*
OJh: Oh, that goes back there (indicating the kitchen)
OM, stunned: I know it does.
OJh: I'll talk to you about it later.

Learn your lesson people. Keep your Red Hot Wing Sauce™ far from sales.

*hope I spelled your name right!!1one!

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Road Trip!

Just a quick note:

Fire Eagle and I will be headed to Chicago this weekend to see a show of her friend, Nigel Dennis. I highly recommend you check out his work on his web page.

His show will be going on from 7-9 pm this Friday at the Threadless retail store.

Who knows, we may even catch a glimpse of my favorite Threadless designer, Ross Zietz. (Click the picture to check out some designs on his flickr site)

While we're in Chicago, Chi-Town, if you're a douche, we hope to hit up Adobo for some incredible food:

If you've never been, you really should go.

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Monday, January 28, 2008

I Am one of the Chosen

This morning I trotted out to start up the Mr's car and grab the mail. I found an interesting looking envelope that was definitely either junk mail or a sign from God. The first thing I saw when I opened it up was a message about how my family had been blessed to receive a "Bible Faith, Church, Prayer Rug". For the next 24 hours.

Wait a minute, I can't even keep this? Weak.

I flipped through the rest of the pages, which had clearly been meant just for me.

I came across what appeared to be the "Prayer Rug" but something spoke to me, saying that I wasn't ready yet. That's when I found this:

So I provided the 57-year-old church with some vital information for Jesus's records. Name, age, address, birth date, social security number, bank accounts....things that Jesus can't obtain on divine intervention alone. Plus, I really needed to see what the prayer rug was all about. It seemed to work for these ladies:

and I bet $46,000 was worth a lot more in the 1970's!

I opened up the prayer and said it aloud. I couldn't wait to get to this must hold some mystical powers. I was so flattered that they sent it to little old me! I found the instructions for the rug at the bottom.

"Notice the face if Jesus on this Church Prayer Rug. When you first look, you will notice that His eyes are closed. If you relax, and continue looking straight into His eyes, you will see His eyes slowly opening and He will begin looking back at you. Jesus sees your needs. (Philippians 4:19) Use this unusual, important, Church Prayer Rug for tonight only"

Now I knew it had to be real. I'm certain that there's nothing that the son of God loves more than a good optical illusion.

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Sunday, January 27, 2008


Picture this. You're at a favorite bar with you buddies, dancing and pouring liquor down your gullet like it's water. All you want to do is have a good time and get some sweet pictures for your myspace/facebook/crack-like social networking site of your choice. You've thoroughly settled into your liquid sweater when the cameras start breaking out. It's the same story.

You get in a picture with her.
Oh, you can get in too!
No, we like you!
No seriously get in!
Oh COME ON get in the picture!
No I won't put it on the internet.
Now you and him!
Now him pouring his drink on his head!
Now him doing the worm!
Now him doing the worm with no pants on!

It goes on all night.

Then, some asshole jumps in the back with is deviant 'brow, ruining a perfectly good picture.

Perhaps you didn't catch that.

You'd be sure that this was an isolated incident, right? 2 1/2 years later, you've never seen anything like this before or since. Then, last night, you're going through the motions.
You and him!
Him and her!
Her and her!
How do you turn on the flash?
No, you're taking a video now!
No YOU bend over the pool table!

He strikes again.

a closer look:

Something must be done.

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Saturday, January 26, 2008

Band Names - A Collection of Terrible Ideas

Nice Pit-Stain, Superman (NPSS we'd call it "in piss" for short)

Extra Delicious / Extra Frightening (created while discussing corn dogs with Uncle Whiteshorts)

Naked Time Details (created years ago with Fire Eagle)

The Tim Horton's Explosion (after a Tim Horton's really did explode)

Fighting With These Giant Wontons

if you're interested in using any of them, I can give you my lawyer's information!

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Friday, January 25, 2008

A Night In

Normally, I wouldn't go posting this many entries. Tonight, however, is not a normal night. My shiny new pink laptop came! I'm more butch than not...why, last weekend a friend told Fire Eagle and I that if we were gay for each other that I would definitely be the more manly of the two. This is 2008, Walt, and lesbians can be 2 feminine and classy ladies! Unfortunately I'm not much of either. But something about a custom pink laptop puts me all in a tizzy.

It knows what's up with the great rhymes too.

You're damn right it did! Should have hired Microsoft for your slogan, 2001! Suckers!

Tonight I've also got a little ladyfriend over. She's doing her best to master the Wii right now. She's a very smart 8-year-old, but she's really struggling with this interface. She does, however, really dig the webcam on this baby.

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A Day In The Life

Disclaimer: I've had enough caffiene to make a small elephant's heart explode. If you were wondering, I kiss my mother with this mouth.


Fire Eagle: ooooooooooooh so THAT'S what i've been doing wrong!

Rex: i TOLD you you're not supposed to hose it off

Fire Eagle: but it's so much easier!

Rex: but wasn't the baby drowning last time? wasn't it??
Rex: i mean, i know it was only drowning a LITTLE but babies hate that shit.

Fire Eagle: stupid high-maintenance babies.

Rex: you should really stop telling people you're a nanny if you're going to keep hosing down their babies.

Fire Eagle: don't tell me how to live my life!

Rex: you can't go around pissing off babies! those babies will grow up to be REALLY mad at you!

Fire Eagle: IF they remember
Fire Eagle: babies are forgetful as hell

Rex: i guess you're right. and how are you ever going to help the parents have another 'little hercules' if you don't bring the kid to the gym for a couple harmless curls and bench presses? i mean, this thing seems to be telling us that the world needs more weak-ass chubby babies

Fire Eagle: amen

Rex: i tell you what, those babies will be pissed but they'll be clean and strong and they can channel that anger into their training

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Protecting Identities, One Ridiculous Nickname at a Time

Here's a quick rundown for you to put on your newfangled celluar telephone handheld hoo-ha when you need to remember who's who around these parts.

Rex - a journaler from age 11, a blogger from age today. I have every intention of writing whatever comes to mind that's amusing, funny, heartfelt, endearing, annoying, cute, sappy, happy, your hair is nappy, lint-trappy

Sometimes I can't stop rhyming.

I have one brother, a husband, dogs, a house, and other boring things included a gaggle of in-laws and lots of extended family in the south (requisite ya'll).

Fire Eagle - a firey red-head (sometimes) with a penchant for patriotism and saving wildlife* We have been friends since we met in 2005 but better friends since Oh Six. We usually spend the weekends together dancing, drinking, rabling, and rousing. We share a love of Greek food and things meatless, though I'm not a vegetarian and she is. Our wardrobes are slowly meshing into one. We spend a lot of time IMing diabolical plans for world domination through Awesome.

Bumper Bowl - a bloggin, flimin', hat and blue plaid wearin' fool who I met around the same time as Fire Eagle and became better friends with around the same time. He loves to play bumper bowl and he himself is much like the sport. He gets played a lot by girls (and little kids), he always bounces back, and he's always freshly buffed.** We share a love of Smoothie Planet, and Junior Senior's 'Move Your Feet'. We can be seen having short conversations outsides of The Smoothie Place or stirring up trouble at various adult beverage establishments.

Davey Jones - Davey is one of my oldest and dearest friends from back in my formative junior high years and beyond. We became super duper friends my sophomore year of high school and haven't looked back. We enjoy acting like idiots together, long periods of not calling to return back to normal, and karaoke. She's an amazing actress, beautiful singer, and has really shiny hair with her precious dimples. ***

Uncle Whiteshorts - we shared a few mutual friends and immediately bonded upon meeting about 2 years ago. His hobbies include tennis in his tiny white shorts, being robbed at gunpoint, and wearing multi-colored cartoon jorts.**** He moved away from this fine city a couple of years ago but we stay in close contact. His ears are tiny, but his heart is large and sense of humor, dare I say, off the hook.

Dweebil Moonbeast - I heard this on the internet once. This has somebody written all over it.*****

*those last two statements are not true.
** i'm making this up
*** this is all true
***** i couldn't eat another bite. i just had lunch
***** do you want to be friends?

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Tuesday, January 1, 2008

You've gotta have goals.

So, here it is. A new year. I don't know exactly what that "means" - other than the facts. I get the 4 seasons again, there's one more day in this one, an election is coming up, Christmas is over, I'm picking up another 365 days worth of dog crap. It's still same-old same-old, but we're calling it 'new' now or we might all just get bored. Or, if you're like me, start considering your options about how you can speed up global warming so winter will be OVER already. I have to wonder to myself in this, the most extraneous times of the year; Could I stand to lose a pound or two? Should my eyebrows be....less bushy? (No srsly, should they? They're all natural) Is my hair the right color? (Chop Shop Scott thinks so, and he's one of the coolest people around) Do I hate my job? (Well...hate is a strong word) You know.

This year is going to be better. My friend FIRE EAGLE* and I, one of my very b of my ff's, decided that 2008 is The Year of Awesome. I threw a lot of great slogans her way. Ones that rhymed, just like my class of 2001 slogan did! (Getting business done in 2001! and I had suggestions for that one too. Mix Business and Fun in 2001! Have a Fight? Don't Bring Your Gun in 2001! Can you think of a Good Pun in 2001?) For example. Those Shoes Look Great in 2008! Control Your Fate in 2008! Settin' you Straight in 2008! Find Fire Eagle a Mate in 2008! I Can't Remember That Guy's Name, Is It Nate: It Happened it 2008! Going fishing? Don't Forget the Bait in 2008! Keep Your Vinyl in a Crate in 2008! Do You Think You're Late? Don't Have Babies in 2008! My Brother is Marrying a Girl Name Kate in 2008! (That's true!) I mean, the list was hefty but she was having none of it. We're two mildly shy mostly crazy ladies who like to control our destiny and put out an aura of awesome when we can. So 2008 Year of Awesome will have to do.

I always set goals for myself, and I met the 2 of them last year, leaving this year ripe with possibility. I laid it on her. This year- SOMEONE is going to write a legit Craigslist Missed Connection about me. HOW is that going to work, exactly? I have to be as publicly awesome as possible, not talk to too many strange men (I think I've got that covered), and be seen.

I swear if you read them, you'll want one written about you. I wrote one for my friend Nick a few weeks ago when he went m.i.a. and there was amusement 'a plenty. Sometimes I can become lost in the fantasy of these things.
Subj: Dairy Aisle m4f
Body: Did you get low-fat cheese because you think you're fat? You're not. You could be eating regular cheese if you wanted to. Tell me what color my armpit hair is so I know it's you!

Subj: YOU LOOKED SO HOT m4f 47

Subj: office crush m4f 26
Body: i am a contractor who comes into your office sometimes. i pass by you every time i come in but i can't find the words to say to you to let you know how i feel. you are the red-head who always has her heater on. i can keep you warm! email me with my first name and where i work so i know it's you.

I mean, that shit is romantic! Of course in the stalkeriest, creepiest way possible. But it still has that residual sweetness and sincerity, am I right? Wish me luck in my quest!

*names changed to protect people who really really want a cool nickname

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What does it mean?

When I was 14, a freshman in high school, my family moved into a new house. My parents, being the wacky kids they were, didn't bring the stove with them and we had to start anew with what was left behind by the previous owners. (ewww gross whatiftheywerecanibalsohmygod!) My dad works for a huge company. He travels pretty frequently, sometimes works long hours, and loves his job almost as much as he loves his family. He has a wicked sense of smell. (luckily for me I wasn't so much a drinker in high school - he would have smelled that vodka permeating my pores in a hot minute) My dad is also a huge dork who is pretty into online gaming to unwind. My mom, bless her little heart, raised my brother and I as a stay-at-home mom.

She made dinner just about every night.

When we moved into this new place, either my mom made something messy that spilled to the bottom of the oven or one of the previous owners did. Either way, my dad and his silly nose could smell it the moment she fired it up for dinner most nights. 3 or 4 times a week, at least, my dad would yell down to my mom "Is something burning?" "It smells like something's burning." or "Hey hun, did you burn something?". You'd think after a year or two of this, he'd realize that Mom wasn't much for oven-cleaning. (the rest of the house was pretty spic 'n span) Every day, my mom had the same response. "It's just something on the burner!" I guess technically, it wasn't on the burner. It was the bottom of the oven. But it's easier to say than "I burned something, but it was a while ago, and nothing is burning now don't worry about it!" The show would go on so often it became pretty hilarious to the rest of the family. We'd start pre-emptivly yelling "Just something on the burner!" before he could ask. Or we'd wait to see how long it would take for Dad to panic about the burning smell.

This went on for a least the little over 4 years that I was living in the house. Multiple times a week, without fail. Sometimes when I visit - I get to hear it again.

I love my dad to a million little tiny pieces, but he's not much of a talker and like I said, he plays a lot of video games and works a lot. It was fun to have this interaction with him. No matter how busy he was, or how exhausted, or how many episodes of Babylon 5 he had dvr'd, I got this little moment with Dad.

It was a metaphor for his life...always something on the burner. Work, painting the house, mowing the lawn, trimming the trees, planning finances to send me to two over-priced colleges. (My brother, that bastard of a genius, got a full ride) And my mom...had something on the burner 5 nights a week for us two kids and Dad. Making the family work. Here I am, trying to make this little blog work...always something on the burner.

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