By Request: Diet Tips from RB

Here’s how I’ve been living my life through the end of winter. Funds are getting kind of depleted from a long winter of slow house sales, and things are just now starting to pick up again with the warmth of spring around the corner. I know lots of people are going through some times…I’m no economist, but I know apocalyptic news stories when I see ‘em!

Here are my tried and true methods of surviving the tough times!

First off, don’t pass up any free professional events. I signed up for a professional seminar that was being held by my broker. I had to get up at 8am, which is a total bummer, but there was free pizza and soda for lunch. They got 40 pizzas for about 50 people, so I didn’t feel bad at all when I gorged myself. Somebody had to eat it, right? And stuff like this happens pretty frequently in real estate. Awards banquets, weekly meetings, open houses, they all have at least free coffee but often times all kinds of awesome free food and drink. If you go to one of those super classy open houses in a downtown loft or something they often even have free booze. The only problem with these events, which is why I don’t subscribe to this plan as much as I should, is that you have to actually socialize with co-workers and other agents. Being 25 in the real estate field, that’s about as fun as a Friday afternoon at Bob Evan’s. I think the same goes for most social events like art openings, usually free food and booze but often times the crowd leaves much to be desired. You gotta weigh the good with the bad though!

I find it most economical and novel to eat foods that are either meant as side dishes and/or childhood foods. Stuff like macaroni, tater tots, pizza rolls, and cereal are relatively cheap (so long as you’re buyin’ generic) and remind you of childhood and college in ways that make you all warm and fuzzy inside. Side dishes like rice and mashed potatoes are filling and cheap and provide as much calories as a meal if you eat the whole package. Mashed potatoes can also be more delicious with the addition of cheese and bacon if you happen to come into a windfall. Ramen noodles also get extra tasty if you take the packet it comes with, throw it in the garbage, and add parmesan, garlic, and Italian seasoning. Ayerwelcome. Childhood foods like fruit roll-ups, fruit snacks, cheese and/or peanut butter crackers, often come in small packages which is cool if you commit yourself to only eating one. Completely fun to eat if you’re easily amused, like myself. It all costs less than going to Skyline with everyone else for after-bar food.

I'll just put this one out there; stop smoking so much weed, hippie.

Crackers and water: not just for anorexics anymore. Eating a sleeve of crackers provides that convenient “I ate the whole thing” shame, only about 450 calories (depending on the type) and drinking water with them makes them swell up in your stomach. It’s pretty much perfect. I do it all the time! I’m doing it RIGHT NOW!

Get really involved in some sort of emotional turmoil to the point where you’re just sick over it and can’t eat. Whether it’s a new relationship, a big argument, getting fired, losing a loved one. Whatever it is, wallow and obsess! The pounds shall melt away! This works particularly well after a shame-filled Saturday night.

Stop being such an ungrateful dick and visit your family once in a while. I don’t know about you, but my mom practically force feeds me. The bigger your family is, the more opportunity there is for free food. You’re totally lucky if your parents divorced, in this case.

Acquire an insatiable roommate/boyfriend/girlfriend/couch surfer and never EVER write your name on anything, including leftovers. They will eat your food, which will keep you looking slim, and you might be able to convince them to replace it for something more expensive and delicious, like money in your pocket!

Abstain from working out, playing sports, or anything manual labor-wise. It just burns calories, which means you have to eat again. Don’t be a fool, dude.

If your friends ever ask you to volunteer to do something, do it. Usually they feel guilty enough for making you do something without pay that they will pay you in food and booze. This has worked for me in the way of being designated driver, helping someone shoot a music video (seriously, pizza and beer for dancing in front of a camera? I would have ASKED you to do that.), and theoretically I could have had some pizza and beer for helping friends move but I’m useless when it comes to lifting things. Also, that enters the arena of manual labor.

Lately there have been tons of coupons floating around the internet. I've ended up eating at T.G.I. Friday's and Ruby Tuesday's as a result. There's no shame in buy one get one free.

If you aren’t getting any thinner, start spending your money on other stuff like clothes. That’ll force you to figure this out.

I would add 'take up smoking', but depending on where you live and how fast you take to it, you could probably end up spending more on smokes than on food.

Lastly, THE most important rule to remember, if you forget all of the rest: If you are hungry, drink. I’m not talking about 8 glasses of water. I’m talking about, have a good friend lift you up for a boxed wine stand. Murder a bottle of Andre Champagne, the only ‘champagne’ too classy not to drink straight from the bottle (only $5.99 here!). Or the obvious choice, buy a 12 pack of PBR. It provides the calories and fills you up, and sometimes if you’re lucky there’s bonus vomiting at the end!

*This diet is in no way healthy, and you might die.